Hello again and welcome to the halfway point of our half-baked Zodiac road trip. If you’re an Aquarius or Cancer, please forgive me; I am but a conduit through which the star energy flows. 

CANCER
(June 21-July 22) 

Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid

Cancers are stricken with a similar plight as their astrological symbol – the Crab. Beneath their hard and crusty exterior lies a soft and flavorful sensitivity, but you never know which one you’re going to get with their bat s*** mood swings. Unsurprisingly, Crab people have an affinity for another blunderful contradiction: The Chevrolet Tahoe Hybrid. 

Around town the half-green behemoth utilizes its fuel saving technologies to maintain a dainty 21mpg, up impressively from 14mpg on the non-hybrid model. But out on the highway, the open faced English muffin gets tossed to the kiddy table as the 6.0L V8 straps on a bib, picks up a dirty hammer and smashes into the petrol like there’s five minutes to close at Red Lobster. The result is 22mpg, an insulting 2mpg improvement over its gasoholic cousin. Cancers find the schizophrenic fuel economy to be quite endearing.. half the time. 

AQUARIUS 
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Richard M. Nixon’s 1950 California Senate Campaign Station Wagon 

There are more Aquarians in mental institutions and the American Hall of Fame than any other sign. It doesn’t matter how an Aquarius managed to track down and acquire Nixon’s yellow, 60 year-old campaign-mobile, the point is they now have access to its broadcast system and are using it to shout the words painted on the doors through the roof-mounted loud speaker as they roll through your neighborhood at three in the morning: 

“NIXON FOR US SENATOR!! NIXON FOR US SENATOR!!” 

Don’t be too quick to judge. The new millennium ushered in the Dawn of the Age of Aquarius, meaning that Aquarians are now regarded as the Zodiac’s leader and main trendsetter for the future. That’s a lot of sudden astrological pressure for a person already on the brink of mental collapse. 

Also try to keep this in mind when a hail of pebble-sized objects rains against your bedroom window; they’re actually handfuls of campaign thimbles, originally distributed by Nixon’s wife, Pat as the station wagon crisscrossed the state with Tricky Dick at the wheel. 

Apparently there were some leftovers in the glove box. Look closely and you’ll find the little treasures carry the slogan “Safeguard the American Home”. Despite the mind-bending millennial changes, Aquarians remain a fervently patriotic sign. 


LEO
(July 23-August 22)

1991 Dodge Dynasty, white

Leo’s are widely known as highly successful, well-endowed sex cats with firm handshakes and winning smiles. They truly take the Lion’s share of all that is good and overpoweringly sexual in life, waking each dawn on a heaping pile of money with many beautiful women, smelling of each. 

With their masculinity firmly secured, a Leo feels little need to purchase a flashy new car. Most opt to hang on to their 1991 Dodge Dynasty, white. As a Leo myself, I find the Dynasty truly meets my star sign's needs. 

Standard options on the ’91 Dynasty Leo Edition include: 
1/1 ashtray to door ratio, cloud nine waterbed suspension, the haunting essence of blueberry Swisher wrap, and a velvety purple interior that lights up like a phosphorescent Jackson Pollock painting under a black light.

*My Hot Pocket is done, but our mission is far from over, fellow star trippers. Check back next time as we push towards Pisces, and beyond! 


Sources:

(1) http://usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/cars-trucks/Chevrolet_Tahoe-Hybrid/Performance/
(2) http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Aquarius
(3) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Senate_election_in_California,_1950

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