Beater Diaries: Joe’s 1996 Dodge Caravan
Although technically a minivan owner, Joe’s relationship with his 1996 Dodge Caravan brings to mind the Custom Van culture of the 1970’s. When I arrived at his apartment complex his pride and joy was parked in a bus stop on the street.
Name: Joe
Vehicle: 1996 Dodge Caravan
PART 1
The Interview
(J=Joe, B=Brandon):
B: I see your van is parked in a bus stop...
J: Yeah… so?
B: So what are the perks of driving a minivan?
J: It’s discreet as far as getting pulled over. No one suspects the minivan.
B: Why are there no back seats in yours?
J: Gas mileage and in case you need to lie down and go to bed you got the option. You got a little studio apartment waitin’ for ya.
B: Have you ever invited a lady into..
J: (Cutting me off) Yes.
B: How many? Do you have a tally going?
J: No tally.
B: You prefer not to record those sorts of things?
J: I’m above that.
B: Fair enough. As a desirable bachelor, if you suddenly had a wife and children, would you buy a sports car to be ironic?
J: I’d upgrade to the sport minivan.
B: How fast do you think your current van can go?
J: 90mph.
B: How would you describe the color of your van?
J: An off teal.
B: I was going to say sea foam. There’s usually several gas cans in your van, sometimes with gas in them, yet you still smoke cigarettes while driving. Comments?
J: This is not true. There’s no gas in the gas tanks.
B: So why are they in the van?
J: In case I run out of gas.
B: What else is back there?
INTERLUDE: Incomplete list of items I found in the back of Joe’s Caravan:
-Dirty rags
-Toothpicks
-Unopened insurance bill
-Various receipts
-8 empty cigarette packets
-Packets of “Breathe Deep Yogi Tea”
-Vaporizer tube
-Empty plastic bottles/Fast food bags
-AC adaptor
-Spare key to a boat
-Empty gas can
-Used kitty litter box
-Comforter
-Irish flute
-Football
-Dog leash
-Guitar tuner
-Empty cardboard boxes
-Coat hangers
-Two beanies
-Single glove with fingers cut off
-Pair of dress shoes
-Coats
-Tennis ball
-Empty Prescription bottle from the dentist
-Two Frisbees
-Two books of CD’s
-Broken tape adapters
-Empty bottle of chloraseptic spray
-Sandals
-Work truck keys
-Bottle of hand sanitizer
-Packet of hot sauce
-Pizza Hut Parmesan packet (J: From my pizza delivery days)
-Empty prescription drug bottle made out to a woman who will remain anonymous
-Sun block/Spray Aloe
-Map
-Set of Allen wrenches
RESUME INTERVIEW:
B: Whenever we drive anywhere in your van, you demand we listen to Led Zeppelin. Is Zeppelin your driving music?
J: No, Zeppelin’s my everything, my everything music.
B: With all the mechanical troubles your van has been having lately, can you see yourself selling it?
J: I don’t think anyone would buy it. I think it’s unsellable. I’d have more satisfaction driving it into the ground myself then having someone else do it.
B: Why do you love your van?
J: Because people look down on me for driving a minivan. They think I’m borrowing my mother’s car.. And then the look on their face when I say that (expletive) is in my name.
B: You love your van.
J: I do, I love my van. I love that it’s not socially acceptable for a young single male to own and drive his own minivan.
PART III
The Test Drive:
Joe says the tires are almost shot and the transmission is slipping badly. I didn’t notice these issues so much on a short jaunt to 7-11 for Twix, but we both agreed the heater makes a noise like a broken coffee maker. Despite the odds, for a ’96 Caravan with “200+” miles on it, I could see this van lasting another couple years on good luck and plenty of transmission fluid.
"No one suspects the minivan."