Winter is here all of a sudden and that means bad drivers are going to make epic Asses of themselves on the snow packed roads. What’s worse, there’s a good chance one of them will careen into someone who actual knows how to operate a motor vehicle in adverse conditions. So, I’m taking the time to compose some winter driving tips for the good of our miniature online community in hopes it will save a few fenders. Please read these carefully and be safe, for the love of low insurance rates.
Tip # 1: This is a biggy. When you hit the breaks and nothing happens, that means you are sliding and need to pursue some other options to slow your vehicle. Try tapping the brake with feather touches executed at River Dancing speeds. If all goes well you can act as your own ABS. If your car already comes equipped with this option you give me a ride because I can’t afford snow tires or even ones with proper tread.
Tip # 2: If you own a giant truck or SUV with snow tires and four wheel drive you can double kiss my ass. We’ve all seen how you maniacs mob around when the first snow of the season falls. Please, pretty please, resist the urge to drive your mini-monster truck faster on the ice than you would on dry pavement. A little known fact is that when you’re a few beers deep and trying to impress your buddy by drifting a corner, for as good as she grips, she sure isn’t going to stop on a dime. That’s a lot of weight you’re throwing around there son, you could easily further disable a two wheel drive with your vulgar display of four-wheeled power. Slow it down unless you’ve found a good deserted area to get your jollies.
Tip # 3 Clean the snow off your car before you set out on the roads. It takes me a good five seconds to light a cigarette at highway speeds. Smoking with the windows up to conserve my body heat obscures my vision enough without being blinded by the never-ending cloud of icy dandruff wafting off the car ahead of me. Whip out the Head and Shoulders (car broom) and clean that sucker off. It’s easy and fun if you imagine the snow is cocaine and you’re the rookie cop that’s gonna clean up the streets to make a name for himself on the force. Or, just whistle, whatever gets the job done.
Tip # 4 Don’t ride with that friend who thinks they know how to drive in the snow. They don’t, you know it, so just say, “no, you are inept, we’re still cool but you should be regulated to a sled and/or saucer for wintertime transportation.” Chances are they won’t be able to rock their car out of it’s parking space, but if they do make it out to the streets they will undoubtedly break every cardinal rule of snow driving and endanger multiple lives in the process. It’s best not to have your nose broken by the passenger air bag when they slam into the side of 711 with a slight grade in the parking lot. Imagine what would happen if they actually got into a situation where they had to avoid an accident: Broken nose in a 711 parking lot. I should wrap this up.
Seriously guys, I’ve seen a lot of ridiculously bad drivers out there since the snow hit. Take it slow and watch out for each other. The second you get comfortable is usually when the accidents happen so stay uncomfortably alert. It might cause an ulcer or two but it’s sure cheaper than bodywork.