My roommate, Steve has a nasty attitude problem, and a 1996 Buick Regal. Recently he informed me over Hot Pockets that my 1991 Dodge Dynasty runs, “kinda rough.” We’re going to settle this Beater Diaries style, with an interview in our basement lit only by a black light and the glow of a laptop, followed by an ultra low-grade chase video.
PART 1: The Interview
Car: 1996 Buick Regal
B: State your name for the record.
S: Steve *****
B: So, you think you’re pretty hot stuff, huh?
S: Uh, yeah… duh…
B: You are not hot stuff. Why do you drive a 1996 Buick Regal?
S: It’s a gangster ride.
B: If your Buick is so cool, why do you ride the bus to work? Honestly.
S: Honestly, traffic’s a b****, I like cruising.
B: I hate you.
B: I have this scripted.
S: I see that.
B: What’s the coolest thing you’ve done in your Buick?
S: Can I make something up?
S: One time I had six people slammed in the back seat that only fits 2&1/2, because I wanted the front seat to myself.
B: That’s boring. What’s your problem with me parking the Dynasty in front of our house?
S: It smells bad, and it looks like it smells bad. Like bologna.
B: Do you think you could pull your Buick into the back yard? This isn’t a used car lot.
S: Then where are we gonna stick your Honda?
B: The readers don’t know about that yet, I haven’t introduced my Honda.
S: Oh, let me rephrase that….
S: What was the question?
B: Let’s move on. When you think of velvet interior, what color first pops into your head?
B: The correct answer is purple, like a pimp’s suite, which is the interior of my Dynasty. And what color is you interior?
S: Powder blue.
B: The correct answer is beige, like an old woman’s granny panties. Are you afraid of what a black light might reveal on your Buick’s rear bench?
B: I would be with the Dynasty. I would be terrified; I get all sorts of ass back there. No one wants to see the stains on your granny panties.