Good afternoon, Netizens...
Having had my fill of the Daily Horoscope, as most of what it says never comes true anyway, I decided this afternoon to consult with my old buddy and some say the genuine article, Maharishi Linguine, the Italian Pasta Soothsayer who lives somewhere beneath the stage in the Grand Ballroom. Maharishi Linguine is the real deal when it comes to giving good horoscope. Yes, you heard me, he gives such good horoscope that it drives the newspaper censors mad, which is why his fact-filled predictions never appear in print.
For example, his prediction today for Capricorns ranks right up there with the image of Madonna in her knickers, when he says,
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Face it my dear, today is the day if you were going to ever get filthy rich and drive one of those big gas-guzzling cars you so fantasize of owning, today just isn't it. Don't take your wallet out today, not that you ever would have enough money to buy a decent pair of socks to begin with. Do not contact anyone with whom you ever wish to establish a meaningful relationship in the future today. Make it a point to sit astride your riding lawn mower, for which you have no money to buy gas anyway, and simply contemplate the weeds in your lawn. Most important of all, disregard anything that smacks of making progress. It is a good day to practice self-pity. All the other positive uplifting Horoscopes you may have read are totally bogus. Only the one true spiritual master, Maharishi Linguine, knows all the ways of the stars and the pasta.
Now you know why Maharishi Linguine lives among the dust kittens beneath the stage in the Grand Ballroom and I why I so seldom visit his world headquarters.