Good morning, Netizens…
Now that President Obama has declared Swine Flu an emergency priority, here are some things our government might do to prepare us for the coming Apocalypse.
Ban all pig feed lots, mud bogs and other places where pigs do those gross and nasty things that pigs do while smacking their porcine lips and leering speculatively at you through their white eyelashes.
Warn nation’s children to stay away from all swine, either two-legged or four-legged, but especially the latter.
If your ham hocks become infected during dinner, build a tall wall of mashed potatoes to prevent contamination of your peas.
Distribute both real flu shots to all government employees and Fortune 500 employees. Everyone else can stand in lines and wait until more shots are available or die waiting.
Check all pig visas to see if they have been traveling to other countries. They don’t have a visa? Tell them to get a Master Card or else deport them.
Remind citizens that the swine flu emergency gives you the perfect excuse to ignore relative’s requests for a Thanksgiving or Christmas get-togethers.
Create a high-level government cooperative involving all aspects of the federal government in case the crap really hits the fan.