Posts tagged: Merry Christmas to All...
Good evening, Netizens…
As many of you who have read The Used Kharma Lot for years and years know, each Christmas I publish a collection of fables, tales and stories about this most precious, magical season of the year online for everyone to enjoy. This year is no exception. Over the next few days, I will publish a few more stories, culminating, on Christmas Eve with the story of the Christ Child as written in the Holy Bible.
From our house to yours, may you have a Merry, Merry Christmas.
Santa Claus arrested and charged under terrorism laws!
by Dave Laird
Copyright 2001 (Dave Laird)
Anonymous Press (SPOKANE, WA) December 15, 2001
Statement to the news media from the FBI:
A person purporting to be Santa Claus has been arrested by the Spokane Police Department's Anti-Terrorist Squad and is incarcerated in the Spokane City-Council Jail. At a press conference held yesterday, Chief of Police Terry Mumbles made public the rumors that for days had been leaked to the news media.
“We have a person in custody who is *purporting* to be one S. Claus of the North Pole. He was arrested at Northtown Mall early yesterday morning, subsequent to a complaint made by Northtown Mall Management that he had landed a herd of reindeer towing a sleigh atop the mall without official permission. When he was unable to produce picture identification, he was detained subsequent to the anti-terrorism law recently ratified unanimously by President Bush and the United States Congress.”
“He is being treated as a person of interest for the following reasons:
1. He has a beard, appears to be unemployed, and has no identification on his person We have to assume the worst about such people after the events of September 11.
2. He purports that he has no known source of income and the particulars of his place of residence is certainly under investigation since he has repeatedly claimed he is retired, independently wealthy and lives at the North Pole year round. We have been unable to validate *any* of these assertions.
3.At the time of his arrest, he appeared to have a huge sack filled with toys of a wide variety and nature, for which he had no receipts nor proofs of purchase. Contrary to the rumors which were initially being circulated throughout the media that the fifty pound gunny sack full of toys could not be emptied, the sack possesses no such intrinsic magical powers. Officers were able, after a time, to empty the bag of all its toys and material items and the bag and twenty-two and one-half tons of toys have been booked into the evidence room at the City of Spokane's Police Department.
4. After further investigation, it has been learned that none of the eight reindeer with S. Claus at the time of his arrest have either exotic pet licenses, as required by Spokane County Ordinances, nor do they appear to have had their rabies vaccinations. The eight reindeer have been placed into protective custody by Spokanimal. Once again, contrary to rumors being wildly circulated by members of Spokane's alternative news media, there are no plans to feed the reindeer to the giant cats at Cat Tales.
5. As of this morning, there have been statements issued by the North American Air Defense Command, commonly called NORAD, relating to this gentleman's arrest. According to the NORAD report, incredibly enough, NORAD was tracking S. Claus by radar from the time he entered American airspace, and it does appear his flight, by whatever means, originated somewhere outside the United States. Therefore, because there is credible evidence he is an illegal immigrant, the US Department of Immigration and Naturalization have issued a hold on Claus, pending the outcome of the INS determination process.
6. The FBI are, at present, actively investigating S. Claus' background to determine if he has any known links to terrorist organizations anywhere around the world. According to Agent Gear of the FBI Elite Anti-Terrorist unit, most terrorists carefully disguise their involvement with terrorist groups, and will go to any means to disguise their presence in America.
That is all I have for you at this time, and I will take no questions.