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Huckleberries Online

Mon., June 5, 2006, 5:52 p.m.

Peanut Gallery: Unsafe @ Any Speed

UBob: LEO's are trained to skillfully control tons of forward hurtling metal motion while talking on radios or cellphones...However, Mrs. Kasey Kalifornikate in her tasteful silver Lexus SUV has one bronze-tanned clawlike manicured hand lightly gripping the wheel and the other tucking a cellphone up to her reddening ear under her Chernobyl Blonde bleach job coiffed majesty and her open toed sandaled foot right on that accelerator and her mind somewhere between Hayden Lake and Ranch Cucamonga as she gabs with one of her equally MILF (Mothers I'd Like to Flipoff) friends piloting some 2 ton SUVosaurus as it barrels through a 20mph schoolzone at 45mph, is not.

DFO: A "Chernobyl Blonde bleach job." Her mind "somewhere between Hayden Lake and Ranch Cucamonga." "Some 2 Ton SUVosaurus." Dang! That's gold.

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Huckleberries Online

D.F. Oliveria started Huckleberries Online on Feb. 16, 2004. Oliveria's Sunday print Huckleberries is a past winner of the national Herb Caen Memorial Column contest.