With ap-hollow-gies to Keith Richards: You shouldn't snort your father's ashes as a complement to a more expensive drug, no matter what you think of the late, great paterfamilias. Richards, as you may recall, is the bad boy Rolling Stone who now denies mixing his father's ashes into whatever drug he was using at the time, and inhaling. But local ER doc Jim Winter of the CastMD blog didn't want to leave it at that. Jim got out his calculator and began Googling info about cocaine and cremated remains. (Disclaimer: Your Huckleberry Hound was a lousy math student. So, if these numbers don't make sense? Oh well.) First, Dr. J (as we call him at Huckleberries Online) discovered that the average weight of cremains is 3,700 grams. Then, he sez on CastMD, he learned that a kilogram (2.2 pounds) of cocaine costs a dealer $25,000 to $30,000 – a significant hike from $15,000 six months ago when crackdowns on cocaine producers and smugglers began in Colombia and the United States. Then, Dr. Jim punched his calculator, concluding that the street price of cocaine is $100 per gram. That the average cremains would have a cocaine value of $370,000. That the most popular method of cocaine use is dividing a quarter-gram into a line 4 to 6 inches long – and then snorting it with a straw. Ultimately, he concluded that your father's ashes would form 14,800 lines as a cocaine substitute. That the cost of snorting your father would be only 17 cents per gram since the average cremation costs $625. And that you'd have to be pretty sick in the head to even think about it.

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