Sit back and prepare to be amazed.
Clarnak the Magnanimous returns today in his sequined turban and bejeweled loincloth to mystify you with his guaranteed predictions for the coming New Year.
That’s right, I said guaranteed. Unlike other, less-gifted seers, Clarnak’s soothsaying comes with the following ironclad promise:
If even one of Clarnak’s prognostications fails to come to pass, you may dial up my editor and demand a full refund.
And now I will lapse into a trance even deeper than my normal newsroom work daze.
Ah, yessss … the spirits will begin to speak.
Prediction 1: Alcohol-disabled former Spokane cop Bradley Thoma will suffer a hernia while trying to blow-start his Dodge Ram.
Prediction 2: Republican Spokane County Commissioners Todd Mielke and Mark Richard will sell Spokane Raceway Park and invest all of the proceeds in “Star Trek” collector plates. The move will be hailed as a far more responsible use of public funds.
Prediction 3: Wildly popular KREM-TV news anchor Randy Shaw will finally get that mole taken care of.
Prediction 4: Bob Apple will abdicate his position on the Spokane City Council to become king of Hillyard.
Prediction 5: Three dimwitted North Idaho skinheads will suffocate when they attend a Klan rally wearing plastic sheets. More here.