Huckleberries Online

My 2 Cents: Rubber Hose Treatment

Posted by DFO

Feb. 19, 2009 10:33 a.m. • 69 comments

Should I tell you what’s happening to me today? It’s embarrassing. But I will also serve a higher purpose by letting you know that I’m fasting — nothing but juices, broths, Jello, coffee, etc. — in preparation for a colonoscopy early Friday afternoon. I’ve gone through the drill 3 times before, in my early 50s. The procedure probably saved my life when a problem was detected. The procedure itself isn’t bothersome. Once the IV drugs hit, you relax and you’re unconscious or barely conscious while the doc is checking out the rabbit trails in your nether regions. It’s the fasting that bugs me. A day and a half of fasting. I was assured by my doc’s office that it has never lost a patient this way. Then, there’s the, ahem, “cleansing agents.” Two bottles of “cleansing agents” — to be taken at 7 tonight & 7 in the morning. My wife, bless her heart, provided plenty to cleanse last night — a wonderful meal consisting of meatloaf, a monster potato & a salad. I’m still not very hungry. Then, it’s only 10:45. 27 hours to go till Proc Time. I haven’t done this since I started blogging. Mebbe you bloggers, commenters & blurkers will pull me through this time. Ever notice how time stands still when you’re facing something like this? I’m such a wuss.

Question: Are you afraid to have a colonoscopy?

69 comments on this post so far. Add yours!

Cabbage Boy on February 19 at 10:55 a.m.
Just read Dave Barry’s detailed explanation of the procedure. If his description of the cleanser is half accurate, just “sit tight” Dave.
JeanieSpokane on February 19 at 10:59 a.m.
Dave, I think it is very admirable that you are sharing. I NEED to get this done. It’s on my “medical” bucket list. That’s after I take care of other stuff - this is the year of the doc visits for sure.

Anyway, back to you - It is important that every one get this checked. You will do fine. And think of fasting as a cleansing of the soul. You will be brand new come Friday night.

My boss had his and was told that his wife had to drive him - they stopped by work on the way home because he insisted he need to grab some documents to work on. She humored him and got copies of the docs. The next day he couldn’t remember even coming to the office, let alone what he did with the documents. (That’s why I only let him have copies). So - No Big Decisions! I wouldn’t blog either - if you say something on the forbidden list - how will we be able to delete you??? (Just kidding!)

Good luck and good health!
Cindy_H on February 19 at 11:02 a.m.
“a wonderful meal consisting of meatload”

Oh dear. Meatload? Freudian slip, or secret family recipe?
DFO on February 19 at 11:07 a.m.
CindyH; don’t you guys ever — ever! — miss anything? Alas ;-)
Bent on February 19 at 11:11 a.m.
Ok, that comment just won CindyH a free beer at Blogfest, or tonight at Zola…
DFO on February 19 at 11:12 a.m.
JeanieSpokane; I’m with you on the “bucket list” thing this year. In January, I received my annual physical (which included a mild reprimand from the doctor for not continuing my walking regimen through the winter. Which is a result from all the snow still packed on the sidewalk.) I had my regular dental hygienist visit. Tomorrow, the rubber hose treatment. (For some reason, I shy from garden hoses for weeks afterward.) Next week, I’ll schedule my overdue eye exam. I usually do all this around my birthday in November as a way of telling my wife, who is six years younger, that I’ll try to remain in tip-top shape so we can grow old togther. However, Valentine’s Day also provides a nice jumping off point to say “I love you” this way.
JeanieSpokane on February 19 at 11:23 a.m.
Good job, Dave! :)

And I caught the meatload spelling but was KIND enough not to mention it.
toadman on February 19 at 11:28 a.m.
I’ve had three in my life…and I’m not even 40 yet. I have some issues. My derriere is in disarray, it seems.
zelda on February 19 at 11:32 a.m.
I had it done, once, sort of — back when I still had health insurance. The doc got a third of the way and I started screaming bloody murder. “Ow! Stop it! Ow!” So much for “twilight sleep” and “You won’t feel a thing.” Given the assembly line nature of patient processing during colonoscopies, I think the doc was anxious to stop the pain since my screams could be heard throughout the office. He said if I want to have the complete exam done, the next time I would need a stronger anesthesia in a hospital. Oh, and I should add that I remembered everything immediately afterwards. While this is unusual, it’s not rare. It happened to a friend to mine, too. I haven’t bothered to get the whole thing done again in a hospital because now I don’t have health insurance.
Bent on February 19 at 11:43 a.m.
Yes, I hear you Zelda. I had a surgeon who wanted to keep me awake during a back surgery so I could move around when he asked me to. Yeah, right.

I found myself waking up in the middle of surgery unable to move or vocalize that it felt like someone was prying apart my lower back with a couple of dull butter knives…

It hurt so bad, I think I actually passed out shortly after waking up… Either that or someone finally figured out that I was awake and put me out again…
Cindy_H on February 19 at 11:55 a.m.
It may not have been kind Jeanie, but it was necessary :-)
And it won me free beer! Whoo Hoo!
JohnA on February 19 at 11:57 a.m.
I’ve had the procedure five times dating to the late ‘80s and it gets easier each time. Easy, that is, if you don’t mind the ‘cleansing’. Like they say in the Army, know your enema.

My doctor told me a few years ago that if I hadn’t had the procedure as early as I did I’d be a goner by now, or at the very least having to deal with serious issues (my biggest fear is surgery resulting in a, so to speak, semi-colon. :)

Good luck.
idawa on February 19 at 12:00 p.m.
at what age should men start to worry about such things?
hmoffsuite on February 19 at 12:18 p.m.
idawa. Normally at age 50 but certainly at age 60. One consideration is whether there is any family history of GI cancer problems. If done every 4 or 5 years, you are pretty safe as they remove any potential cancer producing pollups and they take 4 or 5 years to grow into a cancerous tumor. Getting the procedure done is one of the most proactive things one can do to ensure that a cancer won’t show up, of that sort, anyway. I just had one done in October and just to let all know, the procedure costs about 2 grand, if out of pocket. I have a $5000 deductible on our policy so it came out of my pocket. But, it is wise to run it thru the insurance company as they get better rates than the guy walking in off the street.
MikeK on February 19 at 12:23 p.m.
Here I am minding my own business, checking in at HBO, and I’m confronted with the following online sentence:

“My wife, bless her heart, provided plenty to cleanse last night …”

Now I have only been married 14 plus years compared to your decades, DFO, and I have a pretty healthy wise aleck attitude in word and writing, so take this with a grain of salt. Or a grain of Meatload - whatever.

But if I described a dinner that my wife cooked for me as providing “…plenty to cleanse” I’m fairly certain she would grab the nearest shotgun and treat me the way Dick Cheney treats his hunting buddies. I might survive it, but I’d certainly be “peppered”, and not in the seasoning way.
Ravenlady on February 19 at 12:32 p.m.
idawa, you ask at what age for men to have this done. Think it is a good idea for women to have this done also. We can get colon cancer also.

I’ve put this procedure off for too long, waiting for insurance to be there in order to afford it. But after this thread, think I’ll be making an appointment to get it done this spring. Thanks for reminding me of it. My husband has had it done at least 3 times, I just don’t do doctor things.
marmitetoasty on February 19 at 12:39 p.m.
We at Dingleberries could of saved you a trip, its amazing where one can shove a garden hose and flush through with a bottle of fizzy :)…. a bit of bleach to kill the germs and a loo brush to clean the sides :)

Just clear ya desk, we’ll pop over tomorrow :)

Someone bring a camera.. oh, and wear shorts :)

x
Escapee on February 19 at 12:47 p.m.
DFO…I had my ‘scopy’ done last year. You’ll sail right thru it; a piece of cake. Those little bottles of putrid stuff you have to drink…I drank one bottle ‘raw’ and I just about melted down. Worst-tasting stuff I ever had. The second bottle? I diluted it into a glass of water, and the taste was at least bearable. Chances are you’ll be “out” through the whole procedure and won’t remember a thing. You’ll survive it and get back to leading your life tomorrow.
DFO on February 19 at 12:54 p.m.
>But if I described a dinner that my wife cooked for me as providing “…plenty to cleanse” I’m fairly certain she would grab the nearest shotgun and treat me the way Dick Cheney treats his hunting buddies — MikeK<

Sometimes, MikeK; I get caught by typing too fast (see: meatload). At other times, I set something up on the T like that and wonder who’ll knock it out of the park and cause us all to chuckle. Well played.
DFO on February 19 at 12:54 p.m.
24 hours and counting …
thomg57 on February 19 at 12:54 p.m.
Can you get the Doc to record it? Then you could post it ti Youtube.
florined on February 19 at 1:31 p.m.
Secrets to the fasting thing: HOT chicken broth, lots of jello (not red or purple, of course), and Mountain Dew or similar clear fizzy drink. You’ll pee a lot, but especially the fizzy stuff can make you feel full.

I’m relieved to say that they told me to come back in 10 years. Hey, at my age, who knows if I’ll be around in 10 years.

And when it’s time to come home, take full advantage of the situation. Be helpless, ask for favorite things. Remember getting ice cream when you were a kid and “punying”, as my Mom would say? Now’s your chance. Stop by Pilgrim’s and load up on David’s pasties.
OfCoffee on February 19 at 1:49 p.m.
DFO - I had my first last year @ 42. Good thing I had it since they found a polyp. However, I wanted to watch the screen, so I asked for no drugs. It worked out ok - I remembered those breathing classes my wife took while pregnant. They work…mostly.

The twist (so to speak) was that my mother-in-law was the assisting nurse - at my request. I trust her and wanted her there. Then we went out for a burger afterward.

Back in again in for another in 3.5 years.
Cabbage Boy on February 19 at 2:09 p.m.
OfCoffee,
Bet that makes for interesting holidays.

Would you like another piece of polyp… I mean pumpkin pie?
MikeK on February 19 at 2:16 p.m.
Wow. I mean wow.

OfCoffee, on the off chance that I run into you sitting with your mother-in-law at a burger joint somewhere around town sometime, please pardon me if I don’t shake your hand (or hers). It’s likely that I’ll be more focused on where you two have just been.
Cis on February 19 at 2:19 p.m.
I am really surprised that you are to take the stuff at 7 tonight and 7 tomorrow morning. With this procedure it is usually at 7 am today and 7pm tonight…. with a love affair with your toilet for those 12 hours… and then NPO..after midnight. (npo, nothing by mouth). Reason for that is to keep you from throwing up while out. Are you sure they said start at 7 tonight?
Oh, the the stuff comes in flavors now. Lemon/lime, grape and strawberry I think they said…It goes down better. but that is not bad…like I said.. it is the love affair that is the… well you know.
DFO on February 19 at 2:23 p.m.
Cis; I get up close and personal with the garden hose at 1:45 tomorrow. Mebbe that’s why I have to take the long journey into night with the treatments 12 hours apart. The routine for the mornings, which I’ve always done before, was different.
DFO on February 19 at 2:25 p.m.
OfCoffee; your mother-in-law?! To borrow MikeK’s words: Wow! I mean wow! Seems you have a much closer relationship with your mother-in-law than I have with mine. My mother-in-law would just as soon use the rubber hose around my neck.
Dennis on February 19 at 3:08 p.m.
Dave,,,, Here’s hoping all goes well!!!! Provided your Doc doesn’t moon light at Roto Rooter!!!!

;-O
marmitetoasty on February 19 at 3:18 p.m.
A good hot curry will sort you out LOL

x
DFO on February 19 at 3:49 p.m.
3:46 p.m. — 22 hours and continuing to count down. Idaho Records compiler extraordinarie Sherry Adkins just refused to go next door and pick up some Bunyan burgers. I even said I’d pay. She said it was for my own good. My stomach’s growing. I’ve switched from beef broth to hot coffee. I’ll have to tighten my belt another notch by midnight. Three hours & 15 minutes until the “cleansing agents” come into play. My stomache’s growling. Mother of God have mercy …
JeanieSpokane on February 19 at 4:02 p.m.
You will be fine. Really.

I just got back from my second doc visit today - the last being a **needle biopsy**. Scary word - I’d rather have a garden hose up my ^&**). It’s much simpler than it sounds and actually painless. It is just the thought of a needle in my neck, OMG. Then they covered my face with a surgical cloth with a hole baring my neck. At first I thought - No! Wait! I can’t see the monitor. And then I thought, who wants to see a needle magnified 25 times going into my neck. So, I gladly closed my eyes. Still - my creative imagination is my biggest downfall. I’m still cold and clammy and shaky. When I meet Cindy for our pre-blogfest channeling of awards, I am belting a stiff drink right off the bat. Between us, and our high degree of sick humor, we ought to come up with doozies. DFO, can one of your beverages contain alcohol???
thomg57 on February 19 at 4:18 p.m.
My stomach’s growing—DFO

I’ve noticed.
OfCoffee on February 19 at 4:43 p.m.
DFO - depending on where you are going tomorrow, you may have her as well. If you are getting the procedure at the hospital, then no. If you are at the endoscopy clinic, ask for Karen.

Then again, she still (unhappily) remembers a rough column you wrote about her other son-in-law when he was football coach in Kellogg, so you may want to ask for a different nurse ;-).

MichaelK - LOL!
florined on February 19 at 4:58 p.m.
Best to ya, Dave, for the procedure, but more importantly for welcome results.

« Back to Huckleberries Online

You must be logged in to post comments.
Please create a profile or log in here.

About this blog

D.F. Oliveria is a columnist and blogger for The Spokesman-Review. Huckleberries Online was judged the best 2008 Idaho newspaper blog by the Idaho Press Club. And the best 2007 news blog in the Pacific Northwest by the Society for Professional Journalist. Print Huckleberries is a past winner of the Herb Caen Memorial Column contest by the National Association of Newspaper Columnists. The Readership Institute of Northwestern University cited this blog as a good example of online community journalism.