Non-fan’s guide to ignoring NHL playoffs

The National Hockey League’s playoffs begin this week. They last approximately as long as the Battle of Stalingrad.

I’m going to assume that you do not care. But because you might hear about these games anyway, here are a few things to consider. You know, in case you decide to pay attention after all.

New York: Rangers’ coach is entertaining because he is always 1.5 seconds away from a temper tantrum.

Ottawa: One of the teams with a onetime Spokane resident in the lineup.

Boston: Despite having played at the University of Vermont, goalie can be a bit of a jerk.

Washington, D.C.: Their star, a head case Russian, can be amazing.

Florida: It’s hard to think of that state without considering one environmental disaster or another.

New Jersey: My family went to Cape May when I was about 4 or 5 and I immediately sprinted into the ocean with all my clothes on.

Pittsburgh: But the site of the bloody Battle of Shiloh in Tennessee is spelled “Pittsburg Landing.”

Philadelphia: Both the Bruce Springsteen song and the Neil Young song in the movie “Philadelphia” are terrific, in my opinion.

Vancouver: Goalie’s junior team from Quebec played in a tournament here years ago.

Los Angeles: Better bet: Re-watch “Chinatown.”

St. Louis: My wife was born there during a blizzard.

San Jose: “Sharks” is a good name.

Phoenix: Another team with a former Spokane resident. Coyote howl after home-team goals is cool.

Chicago: Do you know what is meant by the expression “Original six”? Can you name them?

Nashville: I read that country singer Vince Gill, who seemed like a good guy when he played here ages ago, has season tickets.

Detroit: Appealing style of play but fans’ octopus-throwing tradition is disgusting (and nonsensical re: tentacles-counting significance because it now takes 16 wins to capture the cup, not 8 as was once the case).