"I was first on the scene here at the refrigerator to tap these leftovers."

"Tonight, in an exclusive report, I will tell you how I know that your stepmother is insane."

"We have breaking news. The toilet is stopped up."

"This is your teenage son, reporting to you live from the basement."

"Though the action all took place many hours ago, I'm standing here in the yard to tell you about Fluffy's tangle with the squirrel."

"Mom and Dad, authorities now say my report card first took a turn for the worse when I realized girls just want to have fun." 

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