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The Slice

Posts tagged: holiday lights

Yule not be the first

To report seeing illuminated outdoor Christmas lights in a residential neighborhood.

I saw some this morning on my bike ride to work.

This date in Slice history (2001)

When families pile into the car after dinner and cruise residential neighborhoods to check out Christmas lights, inattentive drivers aren't the only problem.

No, there's another concern.

People run out of things to say.

Sure, “Isn't that lovely” or “Talk about bad taste” might be fine for the first few blocks. But after that, it's easy to run out of material.

Not. to worry. The Slice is here.

Stuck for something to say after the hundredth festively illuminated house? Try one of these lines.

“Obesity in snowmen is fatal.”

“When the lights are strung that way, it means an Idaho native lives there.”

“You know, 'Little Drummer Boy' just makes me want to scream.”

“More people ought to mount deer whistles on their cars.”

“I wonder what Ashley Judd is doing right now.”

“I'm sulking in silence back here because you made me come along on this stupid family outing when I could be home on the phone talking to my friends and screaming 'Oh, my God!' every five seconds.”

“Channel 4's Kris Crocker says a glug of egg nog can get oatmeal up on its feet.”

“I don't care for boxer shorts emblazoned with zany messages.”

“The way some people get worked up about the Sacred Heart expansion messing up sight lines, you'd think they were building a casino.”

“Those lights remind me of those fat-free muffins at Great Harvest.”

“Are elves an ethnic group, or is it more a religious thing?”

Some holiday lights come with a story

My street goes east and west.  As you approach the western end of it you see some white Christmas lights in the yard of the house on the north-south street right at the conjunction of the T.

These sweet little lights are strung around an enormous rock at the edge of the lawn.

That rock hasn't always been there. But a few years ago a young man exercising questionable judgment decided he would drive really, really fast late at night. And by the time he realized that the street runs out, it was too late. His vehicle wound up zooming across the yard and plowing through the wall of the house at the T.

Not long after that, a few landscaping changes appeared around that house, including the huge rock. It looks like it would stop a tank. Or at least it would stop a car-driving teenager who has been drinkiing beer.

But maybe the next kid will see the Christmas lights and take it as a sign from above that maybe it would be a good idea to slow down.  

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About this blog

Features writer Paul Turner is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review in the Features department. He writes "The Slice" column, which appears six times a week and produces general features stories for the Today section.

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