Rebecca Nappi

It's been a tough summer if you've been searching for some sports heroes to admire. Mickey Mantle, though he used the last year of his life to promote sobriety and organ donation, admitted before he died that he'd squandered most of his baseball talent on booze. Warren Moon, the Minnesota Vikings quarterback, nearly choked his wife to death.

Car alarms bleep, scream, bellow everywhere now in Spokane. When was the last time you really paid attention? Perhaps you thought: "Oh, it's just the wind or some kids fooling around the car - no big deal." So who would blame Spokane police if they began to feel the same nonchalant way about alarms that sound off in businesses and homes? Last year, the city logged 6,600 burglary alarm calls, but only 250 of those alarms signaled a real problem at a home or business. The rest were false.

President Clinton is on vacation in Wyoming. He'll read, hike, raft, camp, spend time with his daughter and wife. He'll relax. We hope others take the lead from the man who has the country's toughest job. You see, something sinister has happened to vacations. Work is creeping into them. This national trend should alarm those who care about their mental and physical health. An October 1994 survey done for Hilton Hotels found that 19 percent of those surveyed called the office during vacation; 13 percent took work along and 27 percent acknowledged that they were nervous "something would go wrong" at work while they were away. Fax machines, cellular phones and voice mail have made it easier to stay in touch with work. And out of touch with the psyche's need to recharge.

Ask your co-workers or buddies if they have a house-guest horror story. You'll be amazed. Here are a few we've collected recently: There was the sister who came for a three-day visit and stayed two years. The boys with dirt-caked hands who traced them on freshly painted white walls. The honeymooning couple who fought all night. The mother-in-law who talked only about superficial things; the weather was a favorite topic. The daughter-in-law reported: "We could have been sitting at the kitchen table, and if my hair had caught on fire, she would have said, 'Oh, what a nice sunny day!"'

Children come into our world totally dependent on the adults surrounding them. Some of those adults are alcoholics or drug addicts or so filled with rage that they beat their children to death. When a child dies brutally, we are all the less for it. Those children who survive early terrors in their homes often grow up troubled, and their trouble spills over into their classrooms, their playgrounds, the streets they walk at night, the cars they drive, the guns they carry. That's why troubled kids are a community problem, not just a family problem. Washington state's Department of Social and Health Services' Child Protective Services intervenes when agency workers believe a child is in danger. The agency's task is nearly impossible. Should the child be removed from home? Or stay, with help?

Welcome to the USS Spokane County Commission, a leaky vessel running low on funds. The crew is on the verge of mutiny. Yet Captain Steve Hasson and his first mate, Phil Harris, recently set their sights on a sleek, well-run vessel named the USS Spokane County Health District. As their own ship was capsizing, they climbed aboard the other ship and threatened a takeover. Public outcry, and concern by a state health official, stopped them short - temporarily. For at least a year this won't become a reality. But stay tuned.

Look at the sunset tonight. Keep it in mind as you ponder the upcoming United Nations Conference on Women in Beijing. We'll explain the connection in a minute. In September, thousands of women from all over the globe will tackle these issues: the human rights of women, violence against women, equal access to health care and how to strengthen families. The conference is making some powerful men very nervous. Conservative columnist Cal Thomas recently said U.S. women shouldn't attend because all the women will be anti-family feminists. The Vatican issued a statement decrying the conference's agenda, though the pope later called for universal recognition of women's equality. (Still no change, however, in his views about women priests. Still waiting.)

A big rain came, and the woman's two phone lines were knocked cold. One line remained dead; when the other rang, she found that she was on another person's line. That person screamed at her. When others called the woman, they got the home of a nice couple who lived several miles away. It was crazy. The woman had lived in Spokane all her 74 years. She trusted the phone company. So she believed the phone people when they said the problem would be fixed in a day or two. But the phone craziness continued several days. The friendly people at the phone company kept assuring the woman her phones would work again soon. Nearly three weeks had passed when, finally, the woman saw a repair truck on the street. She talked to the men in the truck. They were amazed at her dilemma; they said they never had been told. They fixed the problem that day.

Mothers Against Violence in America has started a Spokane chapter. Their mission: "Mothers and others working to reduce violence in our society and promote the safety and well-being of children." This group might someday be to violence what MADD has been to drunken drivers. Check it out this Wednesday evening from 6:30 to 8:30 at the Spokane Library downtown. The meeting is open to "anyone who cares about reducing violence by and against youth in Spokane." For information, call 534-6678. Literary reader: Thanks to June Miller of Spokane who pointed out that Leo Tolstoy wrote "War and Peace" not Dostoevski, as the woman implied who wrote the eating alone piece a few weeks ago on this page. Ever eaten by yourself in a fancy restaurant? Share your stories, please.

Pop into the tidy COPS Northeast building in Hillyard and you'll be overwhelmed by energy. Even the coffee's perky. And some amazing people scurry about. You'll meet Betty, who cleans and mends loved-up stuffed animals. Police officers then give them to children terrified in accidents or domestic violence situations. The substation sponsored a DARE rally this year; 1,000 people showed up. Volunteers recognize, with a $100 award, the "super kids" in their neighborhoods. They paint over graffiti and know what numbers and names to give people who need police or community services. Dozens of volunteers keep the station humming.

When money for a good cause dries up, the emotions that surface are similar to the emotions you feel after a loss or defeat. First, shock. Then denial, anger, depression and finally, acceptance. Ask the folks who run and care about Morning Star Boys Ranch. They have lived through a year of pain and loss. Last spring, the state cut $600,000 from Morning Star's annual budget. Quite an amputation; 70 percent of the ranch's budget came from taxpayer support. The ranch, which has helped troubled boys since 1957, cut its staff in half and sent away more than a dozen boys. Those left behind felt angry at the change, but they quickly accepted this reality: State and federal funds are dwindling fast. If you have a program that works, a program you believe in, find private funding.

For Carly Simon's mom, the thought was what really counted in gifts.

We forget sometimes that the minds of children do not function like the minds of adults. A child-development textbook, for instance, related an anecdote in which a preschooler sobbed as he played with an animal toy that "mooed" when turned upside down. The child urged his parents to rescue the poor cow trapped inside. So for children to grasp that some adults might hurt them is a lot to expect. We can warn them every day about bad touching, but a sweet-talking adult, an expert at the pedophile trade, can manipulate the trusting mind of a child.

Two weeks ago in this space, we printed an excerpt from a 1950s home economics textbook that gave women advice on how to be good wives. It recommended, among other things, that women prepare for their husbands' return from work. "Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking." We asked readers if women ever really catered to men in the way described. Got some great responses. One was so well-written that we're printing much of it here and we'll print a few more reactions in a later column. Rislyn Binson of Spokane wrote: "Maybe the average '50s housewife didn't follow all the suggestions in the home-ec textbook, but most of us followed some of them. We were wives and mothers, the career we had chosen. We planned and prepared meals which we ate together as family. This gave us time to talk. It wasn't all giving and no taking. Our husbands did the commuting, the interacting with people and situations that were sometimes very difficult. We wives stayed home and worked, wearing what was comfortable for us and for our families. And for our pay, we were provided with a home with all the furnishings, a family car, food, clothing, entertainment and more. Why not welcome home the person who allowed us this lifestyle? Why not try to help him relax after a hard day? "Today's liberated woman might not have to put a ribbon in her hair, but if she wants to succeed in her chosen career, she has to dress for the job - power suits - and her grooming is always under scrutiny. No one can tell her to please her husband. They tell her she has to please her boss. Besides that, she has to pay someone to take care of her children. "None of this is meant as criticism. Only a comparison. Things are constantly changing, so maybe in 40 years someone will write a column asking 'Did women's magazines really have articles called How To Dress For Success? Come on, was it really like this, even in the '90s?"' Mentor moms: If you get upset every time you read about child abuse and neglect, there's a program that helps you combat the problem from the beginning. The Doula Project, sponsored by Catholic Family Service in Spokane, matches experienced parents with single parents. The Doulas help through prenatal, birthing and the early parenting months. Doulas make a year's commitment and volunteer six to eight hours a month with the single parent. Research nationwide indicates that mother companion programs are an effective way to prevent child abuse. The program also matches experienced fathers with single males. Training begins soon. For more information, call 456-71

You wake up slowly, in the lingering mist of a dream. For a few seconds, you feel peace. But then you remember. IT actually happened. The intense pain returns with a jolt. Men, women and children who have survived tragedy often speak of those mornings, early in the grieving process, when they forget for a few seconds that their lives are altered forever. When they remember, it's horrible. Right now in the Inland Northwest, several families are in the living hell of fresh grief because of terrible car accidents. Five Deer Park residents, four of them teens, died Saturday evening. Their car ran a stop sign. The 17-year-old who hit the car is devastated. On July 7, four members of a Las Vegas family died near a family reunion in Hayden. The Post Falls trucker who hit the car, through no fault of his own, is traumatized. Grief is exhausting. One bereavement expert compared it to digging ditches 12 hours a day. And if people don't grieve properly - if they stuff inside their feelings of anger, sadness and despair - our entire community suffers. Unresolved grief can express itself in depression, alcoholism, unemployment, rage, violence and suicide. It can rip families to shreds; the divorce rate for couples who lose a child is higher than average.

The picture of Mary Lowry, wife of the governor of Washington, stayed with us most of the day. In her eyes, the stress of the past year shows. What hell she's been through. Her husband has become an example of how not to behave in the workplace. And the $97,500 settlement of sexual harassment allegations was Lowry family money - money that could have gone for a new car, a trip, retirement.

A friend faxed us something titled: "How to be a good wife" and the source is allegedly a 1950s high school home-economics textbook. Hold on to your hats and gloves as you read on: "Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal on the table. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has been with a lot of work-weary people.

In a bagel shop the other day, I ran into Bill Pupo, assistant city manager. We both grew up in Spokane in the 50s, 60s and 70s when Spokane was such a great place to raise a child that no one even realized it. We chatted about all the boys and girls we grew up with who are now running things. There's Judi Carl, Spokane's first woman police sergeant. And Sam Cozza, district court judge. And Dan Petek, the organizer of Junior Bloomsday. And more lawyers than we can count.

A convicted tax cheater didn't report to prison, then got snippy with a federal judge. The judge cited him for contempt. Way to go, U.S. District Judge Frem Nielsen. You set a limit. An apartment owner downtown enforces some strict rules for the tenants living there. Mandatory chores, curfews, no alcohol consumption. Way to go, Jim Delegans. You set some limits.

Dear Rachel: Your picture haunts us. Your trusting smile, lively eyes. You looked like dozens of young, happy 9-year-old girls we know, their whole life stretched before them like a dream. But you didn't get that life; it ended violently and publicly. Your kin, Uncle Jason, sits in jail charged with your murder.

Mona Lake Jones

School's out for summer. Do you know where your kids are? If they are hacking away at the computer, don't feel relieved that they are doing something intellectual. They might be wandering in the Internet. They may be prey for icky, sicko adults.

Ahhh, sometimes stories have such wonderful endings. We are delighted today to share one with you. Two weeks ago, we told you the sad tale of Kathy Johnson, who broke her shoulder after falling during Bloomsday. A good Samaritan helped her to the side of the road and she was so out of it, due to pain, that she never had the chance to thank him. She asked us if we could help track him down. She was worried she wrecked his running time because of the delay in helping her. We didn't do much but print the story. A few days later we received a fax from Stanton Inzer of Spokane. It read: "I believe that I am the person Kathy Johnson is looking for. I did not see her fall, but when I saw her on the ground, I was appalled to see people running around her and jumping over her but not stopping to help her up. It was my obligation to help. The race didn't matter. When we got to the side of the road, Kathy told me to go, she was OK. I did leave her there and have felt guilty. To find out that she fractured a bone leaves me feeling really bad. "I want Kathy to know that stopping to help her probably helped me achieve my goal of breaking one hour. (My time: 58 minutes.) I am notorious for starting out too fast and dying at the end. I ended up running the first mile in 10 minutes and then (after helping Kathy) I changed my attitude and ran for the fun of it. I am thankful Kathy's injury wasn't any worse and that she wasn't trampled by the masses. I hope to see her in a race again. My next one will be the Heritage City Marathon in Nelson, B.C., on June 25." Something different: We always applaud women's efforts to start unique businesses. It's good role modeling for other women who want to venture into the scary unknown. Judy Johnson of Spokane has opened a bed and breakfast on the South Hill. It's unique because there's only room for one person. One guest at a time is treated to a three-room suite consisting of a bedroom, bathroom and library. Office services - a computer and fax - are also available. Call 455-4545. Survivors: The YWCA's Alternatives to Domestic Violence Program is offering a recovery group for survivors of partner abuse. Participants must be out of abusive relationships. For more information, call Debi Roberts at 326-1190. Another perspective: Interesting excerpt from the poem "Premenstrual Syndrome" by Sharon Nelson. What if this is the time of the month when your perceptions are sharpest? What if this is the time of the month when the illusions you hug round you, warm and comforting and thick as a rug, flap in the chill wind of seeing what actually is? What if this is the time of the month when the normal, the usual, are revealed as the lies you tell yourself three hundred and thirty days of the year?

In the Middle Ages, people could listen to sermons for hours. Then they could return home and repeat the speeches, almost verbatim. Their minds were empty of clutter. No television. No radio. No newspapers. Times have changed. So please keep it short, you men, women and young people out there working on graduation speeches. Short and profound. Short and silly. Doesn't matter.