Grateful Ed

When Mike Sullivan drives around Chicago, motorists gawk at his vanity license plates reading “Bulls 45.” Few noticed when Sullivan acquired the plates seven years ago, honoring then-Bulls forward Ed Nealy.

With Nealy long gone, 45 is the number of choice for a guy named Jordan. Sullivan offered the plates to His Airness, who respectfully declined. So Sullivan has decided to sell the plates to the highest bidder and donate the money to the James Jordan Foundation, in honor of Michael’s late father.

For Heaven’s sake

The quote-of-the-year battle heated up in the New Jersey Nets’ locker room last week. In one corner, guard Rex Walters argued Jersey’s playoff readiness: “We’re inconsistent with the way we practice,” he began. “We’re inconsistent with the way we play. It’s a joke. That’s all it is, a joke. This whole season has been a joke. We haven’t been prepared since day one.

“Cinderella or the Tooth Fairy is not going to sprinkle some magic dust on us when it comes game time.”

In another corner, teammate Jayson Williams offered an even more ungodly assessment: “Mentally, there are a few of us who can play for Bellevue Hospital. I don’t think Jesus could coach this team.”

Neither can Butch Beard, who should get combat pay for enduring Derrick Coleman, whose quotebook outweighs his scrapbook - having called Karl Malone an “Uncle Tom” and all. Seems DC has to insult the Mailman before and after every meeting. Malone lets the numbers do the talking - Utah is 8-0 against the Nets in the Coleman Era, with the Mailman whooping young Derrick in every statistical category.

Sour grapes

When Mike Tyson renewed vows with Don King the other day, rival promoter Dan Duva decided it was time to speak - forget that forever-hold-your-peace stuff.

“Why would anybody expect (Tyson) to be any smarter when he came out than when he went in?” Duva ripped. “He didn’t go to Princeton for three years. He went to prison.”

Dis’ and tell

Everyone knows Luther Campbell can’t rap. Now Campbell, of 2 Live Crew repute, seems determined to prove he can’t coach - skipping spring drills to select Miami’s starting quarterback. Better make that quarterblack. Or else.

Campbell recently threatened to “tell all” about wrongdoing in the Hurricanes’ football program if Ryan Collins, who happens to be black, isn’t named the team’s starting QB by new coach Butch Davis.

“If he were white, being from Miami, he’d be God’s gift to America,” Campbell asserted. “If they don’t start Ryan Collins, the University of Miami will get the death penalty. I will tell all.”

Several former Miami players have said Campbell paid players, offering as much as $500 for touchdowns in a 1989 game against Notre Dame. In the past, Campbell always denied such charges. But with Collins’ status undecided, the Florida rapper says he’ll “tell everything I know to the NCAA.”

From what we’ve seen, that shouldn’t take long.

The last word …

“That’s my replacement personality.”

- St. Louis manager Joe Torre, when told he has been much funnier this year