Cheap Seats

Heir McNair

Rookie quarterback Steve McNair has been nicknamed “McMillionaire” by some of his Houston Oilers teammates after signing a seven-year, $28.4 million deal. The contract is 50 pages in length.

The deal was of particular interest to Oilers wide receiver Heywood Jeffires. “I definitely want to get him in some of our card games because I have a mortgage to pay,” Jeffires said.

John McEnroe appears in Cheap Seats

Television advertising in Southern California promoting the Infiniti Open tennis tournament at UCLA implied, through assorted film clips, that tennis fans in attendance could expect to watch matches involving star players Andre Agassi, Pete Sampras, Michael Chang and Stefan Edberg.

Mysteriously, none of those players was entered in the event, which began last Monday.

The commercials talked about sizzling, hot action and didn’t mention the players by name, but the implication was clear. Agassi was in town Monday for a charity show, but not to play.

Serve and folly

Chris Evert, Jimmy Connors, model Cheryl Tiegs and - egads - 400-pound pro wrestler “King Kong” Bundy are among those listed to play in a celebrity doubles tennis competition Aug. 7 at the Westchester Country Club in Rye, N.Y.

Keep ‘em

In the lost-and-found department of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette classified advertising section, the loss of a set of golf clubs was noted with the following warning: “Legal owner has hired exalted high priestess of voodoo to curse thief, accomplices and buyer of said clubs.”

Meaning even God won’t be able to figure out the 1-iron.

Heistman Trophy winner

Billy Cannon, who won the Heisman Trophy for LSU in 1959 and later was convicted of counterfeiting, recently filed for bankruptcy. His latest troubles recalled the 1983 incident, when Cannon was hit with a five-year prison sentence upon pleading guilty in a scheme to print $6 million in counterfeit $100 bills.

“Billy’s a state treasure, he just made that mistake,” rationalized T.J. Moran, a friend whose local restaurant displays Cannon’s Heisman Trophy. “You could go back and name a lot of guys - Napoleon, Huey Long, and so many more.”

How would he know?

Detroit Tigers pitcher Mike Moore had just lost another game, watching his ERA rise to 7.08. “It’s not easy to struggle when you’re not used to it,” Moore offered.

Unfortunately, Moore IS used to it. He hasn’t won since June 24, and has a 29.45 ERA in his last two home starts, giving up 12 runs in just 3-2/3 innings.

The last word …

“Everybody I know is eager to gouge some rich foreigners by renting them our houses. It’s all we talk about. You read it in the shoppers. You see it in the smile of neighbors. Money! Money!”

- Colin Campbell, Atlanta Journal & Constitution columnist, on the city’s mood a year before Olympics

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo