Living At A Disneying Pace
It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears.
It’s a world of mergers, a world of deals.
It’s a world full of sports, and we’re buying up all sorts.
It’s a small, small world.
The Disneyization of sports accelerates. Or hadn’t you noticed that our football helmets and batting helmets are growing mouse ears?
Disney buys an NHL team and names it after its hockey movie, The Mighty Ducks …
Disney buys a part of the California Angels In The Outfield …
Disney and the Orlando Magic are linked nice and cozy right down to the nickname, even without owning a piece of the team …
Disney ponders whether to add an NFL club to its growing list of jock commodities …
Now, just this week, Disney spends $19 billion to gobble up Capital Cities/ABC which means Disney now owns such sports-media mega-franchises as Monday Night Football and ESPN.
Like the song says, I’m so Disney, my head is spinning.
Super Bowl MVPs used to exclaim, “I’m going to Disneyland!”
Henceforth they will exclaim, “I’m going to be bought by Disneyland!”
The House That Walt Built already plays host to PGA golf and a marathon and is building an IndyCar racetrack. Now the voracious Mouse plans to build a 200-acre sports complex near his theme park outside Orlando. Included will be a ballpark aiming to lure spring-training baseball. (Says here the Mouse will steal the Braves from West Palm Beach.)
Never mind that Disney’s merchandising made Mighty Ducks souvenirs the hottest in sports history. Or that Disney uses its sports interests to grow customers for its theme parks and vice versa.
The Cap-Cities buyout suggests a whole new cross-pollination.
Can you not imagine Al, Frank and Dan doing the cloying MNF halftime interview with Michael Eisner?
Already, and I’m not kidding: there will be an “ESPN World” attraction at Disney World starting next summer. I picture enormous lines of people queueing to ride Chris Berman.
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-E-S-P-N.
How much longer before Disney works its magic in combining real life and animation?
Picture Goofy mandated to play DH for the Angels.
“He’s hitting .012!” grouses Chili Davis. “Strikes out every time up, then laughs that stupid Hyuk, hyuk. Plus, he urinates on the bat rack!”
The great risk to Disney, of course, is that its increasing involvement in sports will encourage its famous characters to begin behaving like pro athletes.
There will be player strikes. Donald Fehr will represent Mickey & Co. in demanding a percentage of the gross and limited free agency.
There will be arbitration. In the historic first hearing, an arbiter will judge “the player has failed to live up to initial potential and justify company’s promotional outlay” in ruling against an embittered Darkwing Duck.
There will be trades. Disney will acquire Yosemite Sam and Tweety Bird from Warner Bros. in exchange for Pluto and a Dwarf to be named. In the midst of rumors he will be involved, Grumpy announces his retirement.
There will be off-field controversy. Daisy will accuse Donald of spousal abuse. Simba will be detected carrying a weapon in LAX. The Enquirer will report that Pocahontas has checked into the Betty Ford Center.
Finally, inevitably, there will be shabby commercialism. Mommy, Chip n’ Dale won’t sign my autograph book unless I give them $8 each! Waaaa!