Cheap Seats
About my grade, Professor Phanatic …
Can’t hit a curveball? Well, most of us will never be professional athletes, but there’s nothing stopping us from learning the ins and outs of those grotesque fuzzy costumes at the Professional Mascot School.
Nothing except maybe the $795 tuition.
“This is deadly serious work,” insists the Nashville school’s headmaster, Dean Schoenewald, who has worked his way down the mascot ladder from being the San Jose Shark to the New Jersey Devil to the Philadelphia Eagle to being Champ, the lime-green dinosaur for the Triple-A Nashville Sounds.
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. And place graduates.
“It’s neat to have teams calling,” he said. “It’s like they’re looking for the first-round draft choice.”
It beats scouring the waiver wire for the Mariner Moose.
From the home office…
You know you’ve made it big when you have an entire David Letterman “Late Show Top 10” list of your very own. Herewith, Chili Davis’ Top 10 complaints about baseball fans, courtesy of Dave: 10. When you’re hand is too tired from signing autographs to make a fist.
9. They get all huffy when you crack their skull with a Louisville Slugger.
8. Don’t understand the pressure of making $18,000 per at bat.
7. When they give me their liver - and I don’t need a new liver! 6. When fans try to adjust your cup.
5. After you finish bloodying their nose, they almost never share their nachos with you.
4. They keep confusing him with Pittsburgh Pirates’ “Hungarian Goulash Davis.”
3. Don’t understand that it’s hard to keep your temper under control when you’re full of steroids.
2. Think only New York players can act like jerks.
1. Can’t take a punch.
You’ve come a long way, baby
Remember the furor when Tampax offered to replace Virginia Slims as a title sponsor for women’s tennis? After much agonizing over jokes Jay Leno might make on The Tonight Show, the Women’s Tennis Association declined.
Well, Tambrands - the manufacturer of Tampax tampons - has signed a two-year agreement with the U.S. Tennis Association to be an official sponsor of the U.S. Open.
“Our product helps women lead active lives,” said CEO Edward T. Fogerty, “and this prestigious event celebrates women who do just that.”
There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?
The golden rule
Indy car racing finds itself embroiled in a growing feud between the new Indy Racing League and the old Championship Auto Racing Teams. But Bud Shaw of the Cleveland Plain Dealer says the sport is merely following the credo established by major league baseball, the NHL and NBA: “If it’s not broke, break it.”
The last word …
“I think USC should play its games this fall on Sundays so L.A. fans will have a pro team to watch on NFL game days.” Woody Woodburn, Ventura County Star
, DataTimes