Do Your Part To Make Holiday Soiree A Success

If being a good host requires perfecting the art of hospitality, being a good guest requires common sense and an aversion to rudeness.

Being a good guest has its own reward: You get invited back.

As we rush off to private and company functions during the holidays, we can all use some reminders about proper etiquette, good table manners and hints on appropriate attire.

Elbows on the table? Never. Miniskirts and deep cleavage at a corporate Christmas party? Unthinkable.

We consulted several sources for this brush-up course on proper behavior, including Michele Maussion Wilson, who teaches etiquette classes, and Kitty Broderick, manager of public relations at Neiman Marcus. Here’s their advice on avoiding embarrassment at the punch bowl: You must respond to an invitation to a private party within a week. If you are invited to two buffet dinners or two open houses on the same night, you may attend both. If you are invited to two formal dinners, you must choose.

Don’t ask who else is invited or what food will be served.

If you are single and the invitation does not ask you to bring a guest, don’t. If you know the hosts well, you may ask about bringing a date. Don’t bring children if they aren’t invited.

Don’t cancel one invitation when you get a “better offer” later. If you lie, you could be caught.

“It’s insulting,” Wilson says.

Never arrive before the appointed time. It is proper to arrive on time or a few minutes late. If you have a good reason for being late (baby-sitter doesn’t arrive), phone the hostess and explain.

If you’re not sure how to dress, and the invitation does not stipulate, you can ask about the dress code if the hosts are good friends. If you don’t know the party-givers, you must take your chances.

At a company function, follow the spirit of the corporation. If it’s a conservative bunch, don’t dress in a spangled bustier and miniskirt. But be yourself, Broderick says.

“Wear something you’re comfortable in.”

Private parties with friends offer opportunity for self-expression. Be festive.

“The holidays give people a license to be themselves, to be flamboyant,” Broderick says. “If people want to dress in rhinestones from head to toe … they have the right to wear these things.”

If the hosts are friends, always bring a little gift - a bottle of champagne or wine, a box of candy, a Christmas ornament. Flowers brought at party time might inconvenience the hostess as she scrambles to find a vase. Wilson says it’s best to send them the morning of the party or - better - send them the next day as a thank-you.

Never bring food intending it to be part of the dinner. The hosts have planned the menu.

Gifts should not be brought to a company party.

At company functions, introduce “outsiders” and be sure they are included in the conversation. Don’t talk shop, excluding dates and spouses.

Avoid discussing religion and politics with strangers. Don’t engage in office gossip.

Stick by your spouse or date if he or she knows no one. At a party attended by friends, couples should split up and mingle.

Whatever party you attend, don’t drink too much. It embarrasses everyone, including yourself.

Don’t eat too much. Don’t be the first at the buffet line and don’t cement your hip to the buffet table. Eat a little, mingle, then come back.

Don’t take food home in your purse or pocket. Wilson says some people actually do this. Your hostess did not invite you for takeout.

If you break or soil something, immediately confess and offer to pay or replace.

If you don’t see ashtrays in the room, assume it’s a no-smoking home. If you must smoke, do so outside.

At a formal dinner, remember all the manners you learned as a child. Keep elbows off the table. Cut meat one piece at a time. Don’t chew with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full. Don’t wolf down your food.

Don’t pitch in with the cleanup, clearing and washing dishes. If you are the last guest, you may carry glasses or small plates from the living room into the kitchen.

At an open house, leave by the time the invitation stipulates. Your hosts may have plans for later in the evening. At a formal dinner, stay about an hour after eating, or gauge your departure by the atmosphere. When the conversation begins to wane or the hosts appear in their pajamas, it’s time to go.

Always call the day after the party with your thank-yous or write a short note.