Settle For Less Than Perfection On Holidays

Oh, dear, it’s another holiday.

Holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and togetherness, so why do we get stressed out and blue? It is the illusion of perfectibility. We are tempted to believe in an ideal; we work toward it, and somehow our preparations, activities and feelings fall short. We expect so much that we end up a little lost and disappointed. We think, in at least one corner of our hearts, that it is our fault.

Now, it is not all disappointment. Sometimes we do get closer to a friend or relative during a shared holiday. Some rituals do bring peace and joy. It is unlikely that all will.

Here are some ideas that might make your holiday easier:

Fantasize the perfect holiday. Let your imagination run away with you and then choose the part that means the most. Ask each member of your family what element of the holiday is most important to them, if you plan to share it. Then put your energy into the priorities and let the rest go.

Review the past. What has worked for you and what has not? There is no reason to repeat bad experiences.

Create new traditions. Ritual is meaningless if it creates unhappiness or doesn’t speak to your heart. You can design and begin your own traditions.

Slow down. Do less and enjoy it more. Children, especially, want a relaxed and loving time with you instead of hectic activities.

Find a way to give to your community. You can give money, time, clothes, toys. Do it as a family or a friendship group, but do it. Don’t just give to those who don’t need it.

Make a gift. Something from your own hand and heart feels real. Bake something and fill the house with the scent.

Take very good care of yourself so you aren’t stressed out and crabby.

Let the kids make a few more mistakes, be less critical.

Remember you have a choice. You can choose to be somewhere else. I have spent holidays completely alone, with only friends, with almost strangers, and with family in various combinations.

Do something alone. Attend a church service or a concert. Sit in the dark and listen to Pavarotti on your sound system. Walk around town and look at the lights and decorations without buying anything.

Share a meal with a friend. Pick someone special to have a holiday meal with. Express the warmth and love of the season directly.

Make peace with someone. This is the season for it. Pick one person you are frustrated or angry at and try to resolve your differences.

Take a smell tour. Smell cookies, evergreens, candles, incense and the perfumes of the season. Bring a friend and sniff your way through an hour together.

Create a play. If you always fall into old roles in your family that you don’t like, then try to watch instead. Be the audience watching a play; detach from the drama enough to enjoy observing it. You can even keep track of how often Dad criticizes or your sister-in-law competes. You also could add up loving gestures.

Don’t expect or attempt perfection; settle for anything short of a disaster.

Don’t ask if the pies are homemade.

Don’t correct or criticize anyone. That is what holidays are all about, acts of kindness that stay with us all year long.

Don’t care who gets the credit for whatever. Avoid competition and comparison; don’t keep score.

When in doubt, keep quiet.

Thank everyone for staying alive so you can love or hate them for another year.

What if the holiday clearly is going to be a bummer? How can you keep the best feelings and rituals and let the others go?

Do something for you: reading, cleaning, relaxing, bathing, playing. Give your holiday to someone else.

Pack up gifts or give time to children who someone has forgotten.

Feed the birds.

Decide what you want to do for the next holiday.

Accept that this is one of your allotted bad holidays; we all get some.

Leave the holiday environment: Go to the woods - or the beach.

Write a check to a charity; at least someone will enjoy themselves.

I don’t know how many perfect or even passable holidays each of us is allotted in a lifetime. Maybe we get 10 perfect, 10 bummer and 70 just fine. I do know that many of them will happen when you are alone and I’ve learned that’s OK. The kindness and love that is within the spirit of the holidays should be extended to everyone and that includes you.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review