Three Jeers To Memories Of Year’s Past

Once again it is time to bestow the coveted Bernies, annual awards for extraordinary achievement in sports. It is unclear if 1995 was the Year of the Great Comeback - Michael Jordan, Mike Tyson, Monica Seles and Ryne Sandberg - or the Year of the Grand Departure - Joe Montana, Boston Garden, Andre Agassi’s hair.

To be safe, these awards are dedicated to Orenthal James Simpson, who managed to do both.

Play Me or Inoculate Me Award: To the Zimbabwe soccer team, which kept its starters home and sent its second team to Zaire during the Ebola virus crisis.

If That Were True Craig Stadler Would Never Make a Dime Award: To commentator Ben Wright, who said women’s breasts interfered with their golf swing.

Though He’s Not Saying He Would Have Done the Same for the Pet’s Owner Award: To the Minnesota researcher who recognized Christian Laettner’s lost dog and saved it at the last minute from becoming a medical experiment.

This Town Ain’t Big Enough for Me and Little Eva Award: To Cleveland Browns owner Art Modell.

When the Calamari Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, That’s Red Wing Hockey Award: To Zamboni driver Al Sobotka, for his advice that octopus throws better if boiled.

By Gum, That Was Just Like We Rehearsed It Award: To former Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor, for pinning 390-pound professional wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow in less than 10 minutes.

Where Is Jeff Tarango’s Wife Benedicte When You Really Need Her Award: To minor-league umpire Mel Chittum, for throwing out Abilene Prairie Dogs public-address announcer Dave Andrews after Andrews thanked an eyeglass company for sponsoring that day’s game.

Maybe They Didn’t Know the Meaning of the Word Quit But They Knew How to Find It in the Library Award: To the Northwestern football team.

But Shhhhhhh! Until After They Stitch in That New Liver Award: To Mickey Mantle, who confessed he was not a good role model.

And She Wasn’t Invited to My Wedding Either Award: To Nancy Kerrigan, who turned down $5 million to skate against Tonya Harding.

Let’s See What Else I Have in My Gym Bag Award: To Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz, for auctioning off his neck supporter.

Give Me an “N,” Give Me a “U,” Give me a “T,” Give me an “S” Award: To the Phoenix Suns’ basketball fans who showed up under Tina Majerle’s hospital window during her induced labor to shout, “Push, Push!”

Time Flies Award: To the new baseball speedup rules, which allow, among other time-savers, the pitcher to suck his thumb without leaving the mound.

If it Was Good Enough for Pete Rose and Al Capone Award: To Steffi Graf’s father Peter, jailed for cheating on his taxes.

The Dan Quayle Award: To Steve Walsh.

So That’s Why the Easter Eggs Were Late Award: To the Barcelona soccer official who was fined and reprimanded for punching out a bunny rabbit that had hopped onto the field during a game.

Well, It Was Still Faster Than a French Taxi Award: To Guy Delage for swimming the Atlantic Ocean in eight weeks.

The Billy Martin Finally Gets Even Award: To manager Buck Showalter, for firing Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.

Did Anyone Think to Check Rosa Lopez’s Luggage Award: To the criminals who are still at large after stealing O.J. Simpson’s bust from the Pro Football Hall of Fame and abandoning it beside the interstate.

At Least You Did One Thing Right Award: To baseball, for giving Michael Jordan back.