It’s Grim, But Someone Has To Do It

The Man loves his work. But it can be awfully tough - heck, it’s not all picking games and drinking hooch and chasing skirts and watching “CHiPs”- particularly when it comes to one unfortunate task at this time of year:

Some coaches must go.

I don’t like to “fire” people, I prefer they be reassigned to pregame shows I don’t watch. (Example: Ron Meyer, CNN’s “NFL Preview.”) The following individuals are asked to bring their playbook, their chalkboard and their helmet phone to Personnel ASAP:

Rich Kotite, New York Jets. He was 0-7 at end of his Eagles’ stewardship and is 3-11 at start of his Jets’ tenure. This adds up, I believe, to 3-18 over his last 21 games. This also adds up, I believe, to a future in food services.

Bill Parcells, New England. Didn’t much like him in New Jersey. Don’t much like him in New England. Wouldn’t much like him on “The New Leave It To Beaver.”

Tom Coughlin, Jacksonville. Tough guy. Parcells South. Creator of the “Concentration Line.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Folks, give me Abe Gibron any day of the week over this drillhead.

Dave Shula, Cincinnati. In 1972 with Dolphins, Don Shula was 17-0. In four years with the Bengals, Dave Shula is 17-45. Spare the dad, pare the son.

Sam Wyche, Tampa Bay. See my doctoral thesis, “The Tragedy of the Brazilian Rain Forest, Sam Wyche and Other Natural Disorders.”

Jimmy Johnson, unattached. Shouldn’t this guy at least get a 3-second violation for camping out near Don Shula’s office for too long?

Embattled Coaches Who Get Lifetime Immunity From The Man: Wayne Fontes, Jim Mora, Buddy Ryan.

P.S. Love ya, Barry!

(Relocation solution: Keep the Browns in Cleveland, send the Colts back to Baltimore, put an expansion team in Indianapolis and give Art Modell a Strat-o-Matic franchise so he can attend all his team’s home games.)

(Memo to Major League Soccer: Go away.) As always, the following picks

against the point spread should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Falcons (-5) at Panthers

Last week I told you the “exact final score” of the Saints-Falcons game would be New Orleans 27, Atlanta 25. In actuality, the exact final score was New Orleans 14, Atlanta 19. What am I, Kreskin here? Get off my back. Pick: Panthers.

Jets at Oilers (-5)

Q. How could a crippled Galileo make it to Jupiter? A. It didn’t have the Jets’ offensive line… . Jets K Nick Lowery cut deal with Domino’s to have footballs delivered to sideline for balance of season… . More Air McNair!!! Pick: Oilers.

Chargers at Colts (-2-1/2)

This game will have a playoff atmosphere - well, that is, if the playoffs were meant to be played indoors, on turf, in a city whose motto is “Only 185 Miles to Chicago.” Pick: Colts.

Jaguars at Lions (-13)

Jaguars have designed new system for audibles based on “The Smart Clapper” - two claps mean running play, three claps mean sack. Pick: Jaguars.

Bengals (-2) at Browns

Bengals still are mathematically alive for the Super Bowl, much like Lamar Alexander still is mathematically alive for the White House. Pick: Bengals.

Patriots at Steelers (-9-1/2)

When Steelers play Neil O’Donnell at wide receiver, it kind of reminds me of when Bill Murray tries to play straight dramatic roles. Pick: Steelers.

Giants at Cowboys (-15)

Dallas coach Barry Switzer reversed himself Monday, held tearfilled, 5-hour news conference and declared, “I believe I was tricked.” Pick: Cowboys.

Broncos at Chiefs (-6-1/2)

NFL first: When Denver K Jason Elam attempted 66-yard field goal last week against Seattle, he used binoculars. Pick: Broncos.

Dolphins at Bills (-3)

To prepare for playing conditions in Buffalo, Miami QB Dan Marino asked T Richmond Webb to give back his Isotoner gloves. Pick: Dolphins.

Raiders (-3) at Seahawks

Club officials Tuesday changed lettering on back of Raiders QB Vince Evans’ jersey from “EVANS” to “AARP.” Pick: Seahawks.

Redskins at Rams (-3)

Rams - once NFL-best 4-0 - now are 7-7. How does this happen? Basically, you lose seven out of 10 games. Pick: Redskins.

Packers (-4-1/2) at Saints

New Orleans RB Derek Brown needs 851 yards rushing in final two games for first 1,000-yard season. Pick: Packers.

Cardinals at Eagles (-8-1/2)

Arizona’s Buddy Ryan will rework his coach’s show to make it “more like ‘Friends’.” Pick: Cardinals.

Vikings at 49ers (-13-1/2)

Rookie Vikings CB Orlando Thomas could swipe the “Q” out of Q-Tip. Pick: 49ers.

Buccaneers at Bears (-6-1/2)

Interestingly, Tampa Bay - now 7-7 - still projects to 6-10 record. Pick: Buccaneers.

Last week: 9-6.

Season record: 102-98-7.*

(*-Close to being fired at mid-season myself, I’m now eying “Prognosticator of the Year” honors for record third time. Lest you forget, naysayers - I’m not just a man among boys, I’m The Man among men.)