Happy Newt Year
If I had to pick two words to summarize 1995, those words would be “reasonable doubt.”
What I mean is, any reasonable person has to have serious doubts about whether this year should have been allowed to occur.
A big reason, of course, is that this was the year when we had to endure The Trial That Lasted At Least A Century. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not complaining about the verdict. If a jury of 12 citizens, after thoroughly considering all of the evidence for approximately 20 minutes, honestly came to the conclusion that O.J. Simpson had not been proven guilty of committing the crimes in question, then far be it from me to point out that they have the collective intelligence of beef jerky. We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
No, it was not the verdict that was the problem with this case. The problem was - and here I must search for precisely the right word to describe a very complex and subtle flaw in our current legal system - lawyers. There were way too many of them. There were at least six of Barry Scheck alone.
The sheer mass of lawyers overwhelmed poor pathetic Lance Ito, who, during the course of the trial, was buffeted by a relentless gale of lawyer-generated wind that gradually started eroding him, so that he became smaller and smaller as the months wore on, until finally he was just this nervous little fringe-bearded face poking up over the top of his desk, praying for this awful ordeal to end before he completely lost his mind and started shouting objections at himself via a Cookie Monster puppet.
Come on, let’s be honest: NOBODY came out of that trial looking good. And I’ll tell you who else had a bad 1995: The international banking industry. I am thinking here of two stories that should strike a chord in the soul of any bank customer who has ever been treated like a serial killer for trying to cash an out-of-state check:
In February, the British investment bank Barings PLC collapsed because a 28-year-old trader named Nick Leeson lost $1 billion - that’s with a “b,” followed by an “illion” - in futures trading.
In October, an employee of the New York office of Japan’s Daiwa bank, Toshihide Iguchi, admitted that he doctored bank records to hide the fact that he had lost $1.1 billion.
Do you know what I think about when I read these stories? I think about my ATM machine. My ATM machine is hooked up, electronically, with my bank, which in turn is hooked up electronically with all the other banks and financial institutions all over the world. So when I am using my ATM machine, I am interfacing with the global international financial network. And do you know what my ATM machine is always telling me? It’s always telling me: YOU CANNOT WITHDRAW THAT AMOUNT. It tells me this even when it KNOWS I have enough of my own personal money in the bank to cover the withdrawal.
This makes me crazy. “WHY CAN’T I HAVE MY MONEY?” is what I want to scream. “DO YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THERE’S PLENTY ON HAND IN CASE SOME 28-YEAR-OLD TWIT NEEDS TO LOSE IT?”
But I don’t scream at the ATM, because if I did, people would have reasonable doubt about my sanity. Speaking of which, it’s hard to believe that ANYBODY is still sane after the year we’ve all just been through. Just in case you forgot what happened, let’s swallow our antinausea medication and take a trip back in time, starting with …
JANUARY
… when, as the nation rang in the new year, an estimated 25,000 newly elected Republican congresspersons, sworn to enact the Contract With America, descended on Washington, D.C. and immediately begin a series of marathon late-night sessions, passing over 200 major new pieces of legislation before it was pointed out that they would not legally take office until Jan. 4. Meanwhile, President For Now Bill Clinton, refusing to play “second fiddle” despite the GOP congressional takeover, met with a number of top world leaders to discuss possible ways in which they might get appointments with Newt Gingrich.
In the Trial of the Century, the O.J. Simpson defense team produced an expert medical witness who testified that Simpson, as a result of injuries sustained during his playing career, no longer contains DNA. And speaking of sports, in …
FEBRUARY
… the crippling baseball strike dragged on into its seventh brutal month, forcing many desperate players to sell some of their Ferraris as they waited for emergency Red Cross shipments of gold chains.
Meanwhile in Washington, the House of Representatives, continuing to take bold action, voted to repeal all the even-numbered amendments to the Constitution.
On a lighter note: In Palm Springs, President Clinton plays a historic round of golf with former presidents Gerald Ford and George Bush, resulting in 17 deaths.
On Wall Street, the Dow hit yet another record high, although of course every stock you personally own went directly into the toilet. And speaking of high finance, in …
MARCH
… the United States, in another bold move to end the peso crisis, lent Mexico an additional $60 billion, secured by what Secretary of the Treasury Robert Rubin described as “a real nice blanket.” And in a true Latin American news item, the United States, which imports and consumes the vast majority of the world’s cocaine, threatened, with a straight face, to punish Colombia for not doing its part in the War on Drugs.
In another true item, the governor of the state of Washington, Mike Lowry, announced that he wanted Lolita - a Killer Whale that has spent 25 years entertaining tourists in the Miami Seaquarium - returned to her original home in the Puget Sound. This plan met with vehement opposition in Miami, where Lolita is one of the few public figures not currently under indictment.
In federal action, President Clinton, seeking to end the baseball strike, threatened that if the owners and players did not resume serious negotiations, he would play golf with them.
In the Academy Awards, the American movie industry heaped honors on “Forrest Gump,” the heartwarming story about a person who succeeds in life despite having the same IQ as the target audience of the American movie industry.
In sports, Michael Jordan announced that he would quit playing baseball and return to what made him famous in the first place: Wheaties commercials. And speaking of big business, in …
APRIL
… the baseball owners and players graciously agreed to resume making millions again. Fans vowed to boycott the games, but the lure of being able to eat $4.50 hot dogs while watching unshaven men spit proved too strong to resist.
In a true aviation-news item, a South African Airways airliner, heading from London to South Africa, was forced to turn back when its fire alarms were triggered by methane gas released by 72 pigs in the cargo hold.
On the animal-rights front, alien beings landed in Washington state and announced that they wanted to return Gov. Mike Lowry to his planet of origin. Meanwhile, Lolita the Killer Whale, squeaking through a spokesperson, announced that she wished to be set free and had needless to say retained the services of Johnnie Cochran. In the Trial of the Century, Judge Lance Ito dismissed four more jurors for snoring. And speaking of justice, in . . .
MAY
… a major blow against crime was struck in New York’s Central Park, where two city police officers - this is a true item - cited a grandmother for allowing her 4-year-old grandson to urinate behind a bush. Thousands of joyful New Yorkers, at last free to leave their homes and walk the city without fear, danced in the streets, where most of them were killed instantly by taxis.
And there was this absolutely true item: Philip Morris Inc. recalled eight billion cigarettes because - get ready - the filters contained a contaminant that might cause “temporary discomfort, including eye, nose and throat irritation, dizziness, coughing and wheezing.” And speaking of unbelievable but true stories, in …
JUNE
… the launch of the space shuttle Discovery was delayed because the big external fuel tank had been damaged by - really - woodpeckers.
In the entertainment industry, charming British actor Hugh Grant, who makes regular-looking guys everywhere want to puke, got caught engaging in an act of close companionship with a woman named Divine Brown. (This is not her real name: Her real name is Divine Green.) News organizations immediately pulled all available personnel out of Bosnia to cover this story. The publicity barrage did not go unnoticed by other actors wishing to get in the news; Miss Brown received so many requests for her services that she was finally forced to start walking on an unlisted street.
On the international front, the United States, angered by Japanese trade practices, threatened to impose huge import tariffs on Japanese luxury cars, but backed down when the Japanese threatened to make VCRs even harder to program than they already are. And speaking of luxury cars, in …
JULY
… professional basketball players, who make millions of dollars apiece, announced that they were thinking of going out on strike. “We have no idea why,” they said. “It just seems like the professional thing to do.”
Abroad, France threatened to test nuclear devices in the South Pacific, but backed down at the last minute when the United States threatened to retaliate by executing Jerry Lewis. Not everybody felt that we got the better end of this deal.
Meanwhile, nearly 127 people flocked to see Kevin Costner’s longawaited movie, “Waterworld,” which is set in the future, after some kind of horrible calamity has struck the Earth and wiped out all traces of acting ability.
AUGUST
At the Citadel - the South Carolina military academy where courageous specimens of Southern manhood receive the rigorous training and character development they need to be able to fight any enemy, meet any challenge and face any danger - many courageous manhood specimens became extremely upset when, for a little while, they had to go to school with - Yikes! - a GIRL! Oh no! COOTIES!
In fashion, Calvin Klein was forced to cancel a major new advertising campaign after many consumers objected strongly to the use of highly suggestive photographs of a semi-undressed Bob Packwood. In a far more successful marketing campaign, millions of computer users purchased Microsoft’s amazing new Windows 95 program, which provided an instant boost to the nation’s economy in the form of the enormous phone bills generated by users calling Customer Assistance in a desperate mass effort to get this amazing new program to work.
In a tragic reminder of life’s perilousness, a brush fire raged in Long Island’s exclusive Hamptons, causing an estimated $583 million damage to Ralph Lauren’s main gazebo. And speaking of tragedies, in …
SEPTEMBER
… a beleaguered Bob Packwood, finally throwing in the towel, announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate to apply for a job as a waiter at Hooters.
The Washington Post and New York Times published the Unabomber Manifesto, which was so lengthy, dull and unintelligible that it will probably win several important journalism prizes.
In the Trial of the Century, after nine grueling months, the defense rested its case, leading to a moment of unprecedented drama when O.J. Simpson rose to his feet and announced, to a hushed courtroom, that his butt hurt.
On the educational front - this is a true item - a San Bernardino, Calif., off-duty police officer accidentally shot a hole in the wall of an elementary-school classroom where he was giving a presentation on gun safety. Unfortunately, there is a tragic side to this story: The bullet, after passing through the wall, did not hit Mark Fuhrman.
Speaking of whom in …
OCTOBER
… the Trial of the Century came to an abrupt halt when the jurors, after painstakingly reviewing every single item that they wanted to pack in their suitcases, left their hotel, paused briefly to drop off a verdict and rushed out of the courtroom to meet with their book agents, almost knocking over the legal experts explaining to the TV cameras why the deliberations would probably go on for weeks. O.J. Simpson, a free man again, immediately began his relentless quest to find the real killers, taking his ceaseless search to the fairways as well as the greens, leaving no divot unturned.
Speaking of sports, in the World Series the Atlanta Braves defeated the Cleveland Indians, thanks in large part to a brilliant pitching performance by four-time Cy Young award-winner Colin Powell.
And in another historic event, an unprecedented gathering of AfricanAmerican men - estimates of the crowd size ranged from 43 people (the National Park Service) to 956 trillion (the Nation of Islam) - heard the Rev. Louis Farrakhan deliver a speech that is expected to be completed in March of 1998, at which point it will be translated into English.
In international events, the voters of Quebec went to the polls and, in a historic vote with deep significance for Canada’s future, elected Colin Powell prime minister. And speaking of nations in turmoil, in …
NOVEMBER
… Congress and President Clinton were unable to agree on a budget, resulting in a shutdown of the federal government that caused massive traumatic nationwide disruption for maybe eight ordinary citizens. The president announced that he was sending home 800,000 “nonessential” federal employees (Al Gore was halfway to Tennessee before he found out that this did not include him), with “non-essential” being officially defined as: “Any federal employee whom you can observe at work for several weeks without detecting a single clue as to what his or her job is.”
Meanwhile, in a story that received less publicity than the budget crisis, but will, in the long term, have a much longer-lasting - and far more serious - impact on the American public, Bill Watterson announced that he was going to stop drawing Calvin and Hobbes.
Elsewhere in the media, in what some critics charged was an example of undue influence by the tobacco industry, the respected TV news show “60 Minutes” reported that cigarettes “cure acne AND baldness.”
And speaking of good news, in …
DECEMBER
… grateful taxpayers learned that over the past 20 years the CIA has spent $20 million employing psychics to help gather intelligence. Although the psychics failed to sense that, for example, the Soviet Union was collapsing, they were credited by high-level intelligence officials with helping field agents locate “at least six” lost sets of car keys.
On the entertainment front, the Disney company - which has been under fire from conservative groups for allegedly undermining family values - finally had reason to celebrate with the huge success of its big holiday movie “Toy Story,” the delightful and heartwarming tale of a cowboy named Woody who becomes very jealous when his master, Andy, starts sleeping with a spaceman named Buzz Lightyear, who … No! Wait! It’s not what you think!
Anyway, as 1995 draws to a close, we need to remember that, despite the foregoing stories, it was not a total waste of a year. There WERE some positive developments. For example … let’s see … hmmm … OK, I thought of one: Roseanne and Tom Arnold did not get back together. And I’m sure there were many other happy developments, including some, I hope, that involved you.
And so as 1995 staggers off into history, let’s just be grateful that we got through it. And let’s also hope that 1996 will be a WHOLE lot better.
Although we have every reason to doubt it.