Sandwich Generation Offers Food For Thought

Don’t look to The Sandwich Generation for tuna-salad or hoagie recipes. Find another magazine, too, for short stories, relationship quizzes or ways to lose fat.

Instead, the quarterly publication offers its readers practical and emotional support. It assures them they’re not the only ones caring for parents, children and - often on a back burner - themselves, their spouses and careers.

To understand the term “sandwich generation,” picture a family sandwich: The older generation is the top slice of bread, while the younger is the bottom slice.

Spread between the two - sometimes very thinly - are the 35- to 65-year-olds.

“There are no role models for this,” says Carol Abaya, founder and publisher of The Sandwich Generation, from her New Jersey office.

“If you’re a parent, you know what society expects you to do. If you’re a grandparent or brother or sister, you know what you’re expected to do.

“But nobody’s told you how to be a parent to your parent, and that’s a difficult thing.”

Four years ago, she found out for herself. Her mother, at 85, threw out her back while shoveling snow. Medication made her sicker, and she spent several months in the hospital. She was mentally competent but unable to take care of everyday tasks.

She had designated no power of attorney, so Abaya had to track down her mother’s various bank accounts. She brought a notary public to her mother’s bedside to transfer power from her mother to herself.

Abaya’s public-relations business went by the wayside so she could handle her mother’s real-estate business. Abaya’s sister, a registered nurse, left her husband and their home in Florida to spend five weeks in New Jersey.

“We were lucky the doctors were very good,” Abaya says. “But my sister had to track down everybody else, like physical therapists. It was like fighting city hall to get services that were needed and that our mother was entitled to.”

The next year, when Abaya was able to come up for air, she realized other people probably were going through - or would go through - what she and her family had experienced. So she started The Sandwich Generation as a localized guide to various resources.

By the end of 1993, people in six states were subscribers. A year ago, she began expanding nationally and now estimates readership at almost 50,000.

In her research, she found that people miss more work dealing with their parents’ problems than they do their children’s.

She knows The Sandwich Generation can’t solve those problems. But she hopes its articles - on everything from dealing with anger at the situation to deciding where Mom and Dad should live - can help.

One of her main concerns is the future of the Sandwich Generation. It will only get worse, she says, unless health care becomes more affordable for everyone.

Women, the traditional caregivers, will have to give up their jobs to care for a parent or in-law. That means less financial security for them and their own families - now and in their own retirement.

“There are emotional issues,” says Abaya, who has no children of her own but who raised her two nieces. “How do you become a parent to your parent? How do you help them maintain their selfdignity and self-image and don’t get burned out yourself?”

One mistake many children make is trying to take over their parents’ lives. Remember that parents are adults, Abaya says.

Give them choices. Let them decide, for instance, who will have power of attorney. And do it soon, when they’re mentally able to decide what’s best for them.

“As you do with a child, your objective is to get them as independent as possible, give them emotional support and help them make decisions that are good for them,” Abaya says.

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