Why Hurt A Gator When You Could Help A Human?

Wally Gator used to live at a Spokane pet store. Signs implored patrons not to throw money on the gator; actually he was a South American caiman, but he looked exactly like a gator. You see, coins caused fungal infections on Wally’s skin. But people couldn’t help it they just had to throw money on the gator.

I used to be a carpenter. Now I’m paraplegic, living on a substandard fixed income. I was injured five years ago on a horse. I support two children, pay rent, buy food, insurance and gas and pay for all the everyday expenses of living. I never have anything left over at the end of the month. I’m trying to get some vocational rehabilitation training.

I am also an astute observer of human folly, which leaves me doing one of two things - shaking my head with incredulity or laughing my netherparts off. This has got me doing both. I’ve heard of wishbones, wishing wells, wishing stars, but a wishing gator?

I’ve got a few questions for those people who threw money at the gator - what’s a gator going to do with the money? Vacation in Florida to see his relatives? Buy a handbag to match his suit? Buy back the Everglades?

At any rate, I’ve figured out how to augment my meager income. I’m going to buy me a gator suit and a terrarium and go downtown, and set myself up in the front of the Burlington Coat Factory, or maybe Nordstrom. Then I’ll put up signs not to throw money on the gator.

And I’ll start making money. I could even play guitar or sing or recite poetry. I’ll be known as the multi-denominational gator, because I’ll take $5, $10 - even $20 bills. I’ll make a killing.

People feel an overwhelming compulsion to throw money when told not to, but they ignore an obvious need. When I’m downtown and see panhandlers on the street, I notice that the people walking by avert their gaze and sometimes cross the street to avoid acknowledging their humanity.

I’m not saying passers-by need to give money, but they could give a smile.

So be kind to our fine-leathered friends. If you just gotta put money on the gator, throw bills instead of change. It’s a lot easier on alligator skin and nerves. Plus it just might be me hiding in that gator suit.

MEMO: Your Turn is a feature of the Wednesday and Saturday Opinion page. To submit a column for consideration, call Rebecca Nappi/459-5496, or Doug Floyd/459-5466.