Cheap Seats

For the man who has everything, except a life

Too late for Christmas giving, Albert Cohen of Troy, N.Y., has nonetheless come up with the perfect gift for your favorite couch tuber. Cohen has obtained U.S. Patent No. 5,356,360 for a mechanical arm that enables a fan watching a game alone on TV to get a “high five” after an exciting play.

The arm attaches to a table or wall, and the pivoting elbow springs back after each slap on the palm.

We’ll be seeking a patent for the companion trashtalking head that attaches to the top of the TV.

Guest lecturer

The NCAA Manual states that former players may return to their college team’s practice “on an occasional basis.” So while the Golden State Warriors were reprimanded for allowing Michael Jordan to work out with them a few weeks ago, there was no stopping Dean Smith from inviting His Airness back to school his North Carolina Tar Heels last week.

Smith scrimmaged Jordan and a group of walk-ons - the “blue” team - against his starters. In one situation, Smith had the blue team trailing the starters by three points with 3 minutes to play.

“Michael’s team won,” Smith reported. “His shot was the last shot.”

Who was guarding him? “Nobody, apparently,” Smith said.

Would you want your daughter…

…to be coached by Jim Pierce? Yes, says Joseph Weingartner, who has turned the tutoring of his 14-year-old tennis prodigy Marlene to the man whose own daughter sought a restraining order against him because she feared for her life.

“I heard a lot of bad things, but people don’t really know him,” said Marlene, who obviously hasn’t talked to Mary Pierce. “I like him in how he doesn’t yell.”

Said her father, “He made Mary.”

Made her paranoid, too.

Check your schedule

Washington State’s motivational edge in its upset of UTEP in last month’s Sun Classic was well-chronicled - the Miners having made a late switch to meet WSU in the first round. UTEP coach Don Haskins claimed Texas-Pan American was a tougher opponent, but that didn’t fly with Texas coach Tom Penders, whose Longhorns beat both. “The UTEP staff member who scouted Washington State and changed that game should be looking for another job,” he said.

The last word …

“He has the shooting range. What he doesn’t have is the making range.”

- Princeton basketball coach Pete Carril, on why he won’t move center Steve Goodrich to forward