Tired of the same old travel destinations? Here’s a sneak peek at some of 1995’s hottest (tongeu-incheek) getaways:
The Inn at Cyberspace Farms
Formerly Ye Olde Inne at Herb’s Cider Corner, which replaced Molly Pitcher’s Maple House. Route 2, Bratkill, Vt. Nestled in a pleasant Green Mountain valley, the Inn features all the on-line comforts of home, plus a CD-ROM in every room, including the Jacuzzi.
Special guest appearances in the Common Room by cyberspace luminaries such as Beau, Bill Gates’ former tailor, and Susan Forward, author of the bestselling “How to Make Internet Marriage Work for You to Give All the Safe Sex You’ve Always Wanted Without Stressing Out Your Inner E-Mail.” Three guest rooms, plus complimentary passes to tour the ice-cream-coneshaped PCs at nearby Ben & Jerry’s. Reservations by fax only.
Casa de Pain, the Dominican Republic. Since 1952, “Dedicated to providing pain for those whose lives contain too much pleasure.” This privately owned oceanfront villa has been in the capable hands of the de Sade family for generations. Each non-airconditioned room faces the employee restroom and is furnished with spiked mattress pads and original Keene paintings.
Try our famous “Scuba Diving Without Tanks” course, then beg for food in our exclusive Torquemada Dining Room where Chef Manny “Entrails” Trujillo serves up exquisite specialties such as Catherine Wheel Brochette du Cheval. Don’t forget to visit our Unhealth Spa for a complimentary tortoise-shell facial from Ursula, formerly an East German personal trainer.
Visigoth Manor, in the British Virgin Islands. You’re the bigshot at Clubb Medd’s latest sanctuary. For an allinclusive fee of merely $4,100 per person, you can spend a week as a lord or vassal, while our serfs tend to your every desire. Stay in one of our Fief Suites, complete with tilled fields and crude huts for your personal peasants. All meals are prepared under the supervision of Chef Pepin the Short.
On Saturday nights, you’ll be invited to joust with other guests, vying for prizes, such as the right to kill or maim two serfs. Guests who fail to pay their bills are automatically excommunicated and may be subject to our infamous Trial by Ordeal.
La Bonne Moutarde Grand Tour de France Cycling/Cooking School, guided by Gregg and Fifi Renaud. Experience the thrill of cycling through Aix-en-Provence while you learn to make a good French country stew. You’ll dismount for 10 minutes per day, just long enough to pick fresh mushrooms along the road. The Renauds, who also lead heli-skiing/ cooking tours of Jutland, are the popular hosts of the PBS series, “Skinning Kiwis at 10,000 Feet.”
Plagueworld, in the rolling hills of Virginia. Why not spend your next vacation at Disney’s latest theme park? Visitors will be decorated with stick-on spots. (Sundays are All Plagues Day.) Pass a pleasant day seeing and feeling what it was like to experience the bubonic plague or the Black Death. For an extra $10, stop by the Plagues-of-the-Future pavilion to watch our educational video, “What Will Plague Us Next?” Don’t forget the gift shop for those special souvenir items.
Travel pick of the week: Budget travelers should check out weeknight packages for two (Tuesdays only) at the luxurious Motel 2 in Skag Harbor, Iowa. For $28 per person, you get a continental breakfast including prune juice, a frozen waffle and genuine caffe Lottie, blended by host Lottie Mack. Free pass to the Skag Harbor macrame museum for every paying guest who gives Lottie’s daughter a ride into town.