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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Tell Child Adoption Is Choice Of Love

T. Berry Brazelton The New York

I read a recent letter in your column that talked about telling a child he is adopted. My wife and I are in our 80s. We adopted our first child in 1940, our second in 1945.

We received some good advice from a caseworker in California when we adopted our first child. She asked if we planned to tell the boy he was adopted. When we said yes, she asked WHEN we were going to tell him. We didn’t know.

She then suggested that, from that moment on, we always associate the world “adopted” with something desirable. We could do this by using the word “love” with it.

She suggested that when we were holding the baby we whisper something such as: “You are my lovely little adopted boy.”

We followed this advice with both our children, who are now welladjusted adults.

I hope this will help other parents. - L.L. Smith, Allen, Texas

DR. Brazelton: What a nice way to approach the whole issue of being adopted.

Parents can also tell their child: “We chose you from every other baby because we wanted you so much.”

Your case worker was right on target in urging you to face the issue from the beginning. This is good advice for all adoptive parents.

Mothers and fathers who follow this practice will have an easier time later on. For example, if a child comes home and says he was teased about being “adopted,” parents will be able to put a positive spin on the situation, having already presented adoption as something wonderful for the whole family.

Question: My son has been breast-fed since birth. He is now 18 months old and is nursing when he wakes up in the morning and sometimes on weekends and before and after naps.

I’m under a lot of pressure from my husband to discontinue nursing because he feels that our child is too old to nurse and that it encourages him to be clingy, whiny and dependent upon me.

At what age do you recommend that mothers discontinue breastfeeding? - Name and address withheld

DR. Brazelton: Is it the breast-feeding or your son’s dependency that bothers your husband? I don’t have any real cutoff in my mind for weaning a child from the breast or bottle, but I feel that at 18 months your son should be pretty independent and negative. If he’s not, your husband has a point.

Maybe you are keeping your son closer to you than you realize. The breast-feeding may be just one avenue for this.

Take a close look at your relationship with your son. Now that he is in his second year, it is time to foster more independence.

Question: My 16-month-old son is still not walking independently, although he cruises along furniture very well and enjoys walking while holding my hand. He has only recently begun standing alone for brief moments.

At his last checkup, our pediatrician was very concerned about this, even though I told him my first child had not walked until she was 15 months old.

The doctor recommended taking my son to a specialist if he was not walking by the time he was 18 months old. After I explained that my son had been late in developing all his motor skills (holding his head up, sitting, crawling, etc.), he said my son might be hypotonic and that the specialist could confirm this.

What do you think I should do? - D.J., Levittown, Pa.

DR. Brazelton: I would certainly have your son evaluated if he isn’t walking by 18 months, although there are many nonpathological reasons why certain children are late in developing motor skills.

For example, a quiet, thoughtful child who is not driven to perform motorically may walk late. He just watches and watches instead of moving.

If your child isn’t walking by 18 months, however, take him for a thorough evaluation as soon as possible. That way, if there is a problem, you will be able to take advantage of the knowledge the medical community has amassed.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = T. Berry Brazelton The New York Times