The Hot Seat A Weekly Look At People And Issues In The News
So many too humiliate, so little time
Hurry, Phil Harris, hurry. Bring back the chain gangs. And the overseers with the whips too. The county jail’s prisoners need humiliating and time’s-a-wastin’. But don’t use all your scorn on the prisoners, there are welfare moms and kids who need to be humiliated, so they know that welfare is bad. Tattoos would be a good way to mark them. It’s worked before. Hurry, Phil, and take Steve Hasson with you, he’s humiliated himself enough times to qualify as an expert on the subject. So get on it, before the meter runs out on this age of rage and we regain our humanity.
Three good reasons for Valley Incorporation
Joe McKinnon! Forget redrawing the boundaries for a city in the Valley. Get your merry band of Valley Incorporators and help Chris Anderson get elected to the County Commission. Then the board will be made up of Anderson, Steve Hasson and Phil Harris. Valley residents would flock to incorporate, or (gasp!) consolidate. They’ll do it in self-defense, to put some kind of logical government between themselves and the county.
Another plot foiled by The Hot Seat
Hot Seat editors have uncovered another conspiracy by agents of the One World Government: squirrel saboteurs. That’s right. In California, 27,000 of the buggers have invaded the Concord Naval Weapons Station in an attempt to overtake weapons bunkers. Smoking unfiltered cigarettes, guzzling vodka and swearing in Russian, the unruly rodents are wreaking havoc. “They have weakened earthen berms over the magazines, they have burrowed under roadways and railroad beds,” says station spokeswoman Anna Lou Procter. “And we’ve had squirrelrelated power failures.” The wiley squirrels are planning to infiltrate the militias this fall. Sources say, they need a place with enough nuts to get them through the winter.
, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos
MEMO: The Hot Seat is an irreverent look at controversial issues in the news. The views expressed are those of the writer; today’s Hot Seat was written by Scott Sines.