Who Says Lockout Nothing To Laugh At?
The NBA is involved in a lockout of its players. Because of the bitter labor dispute, clubs have been ordered not to have any contact whatsoever with their players.
Here are just some of the effects of that action thus far:
The New York Knicks are prohibited from contacting the Miami Heat to accuse them of improper contact with Pat Riley.
Pat Riley is forbidden from contacting Giorgio Armani unless it is deemed a life-threatening situation, such as a split seam.
Charles Barkley is not allowed to discuss running for governor of Alabama unless he agrees to sever all ties with the Phoenix Suns, as he did in last year’s playoffs.
Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen are prohibited from calling Jerry Krause an incompetent troll to his face and must now do so through intermediaries.
Will Perdue must stop calling himself an NBA player. This has nothing to do with the lockout.
Dennis Rodman is forbidden from dying his hair the colors of any NBA club and is restricted only to black, white or clear.
The Vancouver Grizzlies are not allowed to promote their first-round pick, Bryant “Big Country” Reeves, and must only refer to him in meetings and in public announcements as “Gump.”
Clippers GM Elgin Baylor is prohibited from explaining in detail the thinking behind the trading of the team’s No. 1 pick for Rodney Rogers and can only offer, “We’re the Clippers” as a reason.
Don Nelson and Chris Webber cannot talk to each other until either the lockout ends or pigs fly, whichever comes first.
M.L. Carr is prohibited from waving a white towel near any of the current Boston Celtics, which in his case would constitute coaching.
The Utah Jazz is not allowed to advise its fans that the team is almost within reach of an NBA title because this is considered lying on behalf of the players.
The Minnesota Timberwolves must wait until after the lockout before appointing Dr. Jack Kevorkian as team physician.
The Seattle SuperSonics are forbidden from getting together and practicing as a unit, an edict which is referred to in the league’s by-laws as a “redundancy.”
Derrick Coleman is not allowed to draw upon his future NBA earnings in order to raise bail.
Benoit Benjamin is not allowed to lend his name or likeness to any NBA-related merchandise unless it is determined by the federal government that the economy is growing at too rapid a rate.
The NBA has forbidden Larry Brown from moving to another job in another city, as this would be considered doing business as usual.
A ruling is pending on whether the Clippers’ attempt to post billboards and publish ads that say, “Look, we got rid of Randy Woods!” is considered promotional material.
The Orlando Magic may not give off-season advice on shooting free throws to Shaquille O’Neal. It may, however, offer him help on how to pitch tacos.
The Cleveland Cavaliers cannot have any contact whatsoever with the Cleveland Indians. This request came from the Indians.
Isiah Thomas, general manager of the Toronto Raptors, is prohibited from calling Damon Stoudamire the best player in the draft and can only refer to him as “my vicarious thrill.”
Not only must Muggsy Bogues refrain from calling himself a Hornet, he cannot even refer to himself as larvae.
The Philadelphia 76ers will not be allowed to use the lockout as an excuse for why Shawn Bradley isn’t exactly Hall of Fame material.
Don Nelson is prohibited from alienating any of his new players until the labor dispute is resolved. He may, however, contact some of the players he had already alienated before the lockout.
Rookie Jerry Stackhouse may not follow up his letter asking the Clippers not to draft him with another letter thanking them for not drafting him.
The NBA is forbidden from using Lloyd Daniels in any of its “Stay in School” promotional spots. This request came along with the threat of legal action from the teachers’ union.
Stanley Roberts is forbidden from eating any more. This request came from the United Nations.