Pillow Talk Communciation, Education Make All The Difference In Bedroom

When she talks, Domeena Renshaw sounds a little like Dr. Ruth Westheimer. This is fitting for at least a couple of reasons.

Like the German-born Westheimer, the South African-born Renshaw speaks with an accent and gives the impression of being a friendly favorite aunt.

An aunt who just happens to feel comfortable talking about penises, vaginas and mutual orgasms.

For, like Westheimer, Renshaw is a doctor. She earned a medical degree in her native country and did psychiatric residency in the United States. Media-savvy Westheimer, meanwhile, owns an Ed.D. from Columbia University.

And the one thing that both women have most in common is their lifelong interest - sex.

It is about that topic, especially about her new book, “Seven Weeks to Better Sex” (Random House, 280 pages, $22), that Renshaw is talking on a recent morning. In a teleconference with a half-dozen reporters across the country, Renshaw outlines the basic reason why she wrote a book on what, even in the 1990s, is a mostly taboo topic.

“I have worked with the AMA (American Medical Association) for years and years whenever there’s a sexual medicine question,” Renshaw says. “And they came to me two years ago and said, ‘Look, would you do a book for consumers so that people can learn about helping themselves in this area?”’

Her association with the AMA comes from her position on the faculty of the Loyola University School of Medicine in Chicago. Since 1972, Renshaw has been director of the Loyola Sex Therapy Clinic, which she founded.

In the early years, she explains, people with specific sexual dysfunction - anorgasmia in women, impotence in men, painful intercourse for both, etc. - were being referred by the medical school to her psychiatric unit. No one had the training, Renshaw says, to treat these conditions.

“I realized as a full-time teacher that if they were going to learn, someone was going to have to teach them,” she says.

Some of the situations that she’s seen over the years are truly unique. A few are hard to believe.

For example, Renshaw has treated 123 cases of what she describes as “unconsummated marriage” (the longest of which, she says, lasted 21 years). She’s seen “male virgins,” at least one of whom suffered from “absent testes.” She’s seen numerous men who can’t control their ejaculations.

She’s seen enough to know that sex often is not the carefree playground depicted in movies and on television.

“It’s been estimated that 56 percent of marriages have sexual problems,” she says.

Her life’s work, and one of the major messages of her book, is that untreated physical problems often lead to emotional problems. Further, she stresses that most physical problems can be cured.

First, however, the sufferers need to reach out for help, no small feat even today. Renshaw speaks of one woman whose physical condition didn’t allow her to have sexual intercourse. Yet when she confided in her family doctor, she ended up feeling even worse.

“Now the physician had looked after her for years, until he was 86 and died,” Renshaw says. “And when she told him that she had problems in bed, he patted her on the shoulder and said, ‘Take a few drinks, my dear. It’ll go away.”’

There are places that specialize in providing useful sexual therapy with compassion, says Renshaw. But they’re becoming harder to find.

“We have so few sex clinics in the world,” she says. “In the U.S., many of them have closed up with all of the cutbacks. Ours survives because it is a no-budget clinic. It works on my enthusiasm, overtime and the help of volunteers who come and train and work with the couples. …”

Which adds to her arguments in favor of her book, a self-directed program that readers can do by themselves.

“For $22 to do this in the privacy of your home is wonderful,” Renshaw says.

The first section of the book concerns the nature of sexual dysfunction. The chapters are selfexplanatory: “What Causes Sex Problems?” “The Sex Education You Never Had,” etc. Aside from basic biology, the message imparted here is that communication between partners is fundamental. “Couples, talk to each other,” Renshaw lectures. “Clear the air of secrets…”

In the second section, Renshaw leads readers through a week-byweek therapy session. She blends personality questionnaires with advice (“How to correct negative thinking”) and suggestions about sexual techniques.

A third section concerns sex for those with disabilities or who suffer from long-term illnesses.

The primary question many people might ask of Renshaw herself is: Is such emphasis on sex and sexual problems really necessary? Isn’t it a bit, mmmmm, tacky?

Not in the least, Renshaw insists.

As she writes in her book, accurate sex education helps prevent such social problems as unwanted pregnancy, the spread of venereal disease and AIDS. Plus, it’s a good means of battling child sexual abuse.

“Just as important,” Renshaw writes, “it can prevent the needless anxiety and guilt that often surround healthy, normal adult sexuality. In my experience, an overwhelming number of adult sexual problems are rooted in sexual ignorance and early sexual misinformation, which often lead to deep-seated sexual inhibitions.”

And as she says over the phone, “Share it with each other and talk about it. That’s important without wounding the other person and blaming them for something they may not be able to control.”

, DataTimes