What Next Behrings, Vaudeville?

Oh, those wacky Behrings. Those side-splitting, tale-telling jokers of jockdom. Those Simpsons of the NFL.

What a bunch of crackups.

Or is that crackpots?

Just when you think they can’t get any funnier, they top themselves. Letterman’s monologue should be as funny as a Behring press conference.

Seinfeld could learn something from a Behring. You think Kramer’s funny? Imagine if Ken Behring lived next door.

Those wacky Behrings have done it again.

After giving us four consecutive years of lousy, losing football, the Behrings, owners of Seattle’s football team, decided to play hardball, on Tuesday offering a veiled threat to the future of the Seahawks under the Kingdome.

To paraphrase a press conference, team president David Behring said he “couldn’t predict” whether the Seahawks would stay in Seattle if King County didn’t agree to the $120 million worth of improvements in the Kingdome the Hawks have demanded.

It’s the first press conference that should have come with its own laugh track.

“We won’t play stadium blackmail,” Behring said.

(Laugh, laugh, laugh.)

He said he was concerned about the seismic stability of the Dome.

(Ha, ha, ha.)

Build him the luxury boxes he wants and see how concerned he is about seismic stability.

If Behring weren’t so serious, he would have been hilarious.

If you don’t think a move out of Seattle could happen; if you don’t think the Behrings could call Bekins into Kirkland and sneak off to Los Angeles or Oakland in the middle of the night, look in the index of your NFL history book under Colts, Baltimore. Double check it under Irsay, Robert.

Unfortunately, those wacky Behrings are as serious as chain saws. They can move the franchise. Don’t think they can’t. Don’t think they wouldn’t.

You can almost see the slobber dripping from Ken Behring’s chin as he thinks about the possible payoffs of a move to Hollywood Park.

David Behring says the Seahawks aren’t, but they appear to be trying to piggyback on the Mariners’ demands for a new baseball-only stadium.

The similarities between the Mariners’ condition and that of the Seahawks, however, are few.

The Mariners have moral grounds for their demands.

They are losing at least $15 million a year. The present ownership saved the team in the 11th hour from a move to Tampa. Without them, baseball would have been gone for good.

The Behrings, however, are making money. Their sport has revenue sharing. Their sport has a salary cap. Playing in the Kingdome is hardly a hardship.

They aren’t asking us for improvements because they need them. They are asking us because they want them.

They want us to write them a check, build them more luxury boxes, ply them with extra amenities so they can make even more money.

And what have they done for us?

They inherited a perennial playoff contender and mismanaged it to the bottom of the AFC West. They inherited a waiting list for season tickets that stretched from King Street to Yakima and shrunk it to nothing.

We won’t even begin to talk about the off-thefield problems.

They are asking for a big business subsidy. Nothing less.

“Give us even more money, or we’ll make it in some other city.”

A few weeks ago, I was watching the post parade for The Preakness. The Baltimore Colts band was playing. The Baltimore Colts.

I thought about the fans of that city, the loyalty they had for that team. The loyalty is so strong the band lives on, while the team plays in Indianapolis.

How are we supposed to root for the home team, when ownership shows no loyalty to us?

Art Modell has threatened to move the Cleveland Browns. He might be funnier than the Behrings.

Can you imagine the shame of the NFL if the Browns moved out of Cleveland? Or is the league so jaded, so money-hungry, it is willing to thumb its nose at history for more quick bucks.

Seattle has been a solid football franchise. This is a football city, a football state. The Seahawks’ franchise is as solid as the Space Needle.

Despite the shrunken season ticket base, the city still is loyal to the team. Give Seattle the hint of a winner next year and the Kingdome will be sold out again.

This should be a time for hyping the season. A time for talking about Rick Mirer, Joey Galloway, Cortez Kennedy, Chris Warren.

This should be the time of year to prepare for football, not hardball.