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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

‘Nerd’ Type Personality Doesn’t Get Social Rules

Jennifer James The Spokesman-Rev

The current increase in teen suicide makes us wonder, why do the young not have more hope? Is it because, in part, that the old of any society always tell the young that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, that it is too late for the teens?

Somehow, seniors get to feel they have chosen the right time to die while telling the children they have chosen the wrong time to live. It has always been so. It has never been true.

Dear Dr. James: I am writing to comment on the letter in your column from the young man who felt he had no success attracting women. He believed that his personality and looks were not the problem.

While I agreed with your response, I think there is an additional angle. It occurred to me that maybe he is a bit of a nerd. I married a man in the computer profession and know a number of men who regard themselves as nerds. They are guys who have not developed a very sophisticated social sense. They miss certain social cues and conventions and can seem boyish, rude and unattractive. From what I can tell, “nerds” cannot always see themselves and are proud of their individuality.

“Nerds” can become very lonely and depressed during adolescence, but how to advise an adult? In my husband’s circle some guys got advice on how to dress and actually had much better luck with women. The others knew enough to seek out partners who were also unconventional.

Sincerely, G

Dear G: Thank you for your letter. It made my mind dash off in two directions at once. The first was the “nerd” idea that some children get so deep into their own mind and creativity that they do not need people, except as caretakers. This self-absorption works for a while even if they have only a few odd playmates because they can always read a book.

Adolescence and sexual urges make them want to connect with others, but they lack real interest as well as skill. Clothes, conversation, parties seem boring and risky compared to the “life of the mind” until you wake up one morning, lonely, and realize you have few friends, just colleagues, acquaintances or roommates. Humans are, at their core, social beings.

Learning social skills as an adult is hard if you have rarely relied on people for satisfaction. You have to learn to notice the response to you on people’s faces, to understand the impression you are making and why. You have to ask people what they think. I assumed everyone thought the way I thought until I was in my 30s.

I had the advantage of being a female with an English mother so I learned good manners and many female-to-male cues even if I missed the rest. Guys who avoid sports may not learn the most basic social rules without attentive parents.

When someone feels lonely, they can either blame others, blame themselves or learn to notice and respond to the feelings and interests of others. If you want to have friends or a life partner, you must be willing to give up self-absorption and believe that friendship and love are worth the time and effort.

The other direction my mind traveled was to that of sociopathy. Self-absorption can, due to neglect as a child, abuse or other causes, reach a level of such detachment or defense that you do not regard others as having thoughts or needs at all. Other people are “things” to be used or manipulated.

Molesters deny they have hurt children because they can only respond to or notice their own gratification. They do not see the children as really existing as persons. Investor rip-offs involve individuals who see all the money as theirs, as if the investors did not themselves have lives to live. Sociopaths may try to treat their own family differently, but they believe, underneath, that they are the only real person on the planet.

Chaos and change produce a lot of sociopaths. Demonizing is the classic technique of a sociopath. Shoko Asahara (the Japanese sect leader indicted for gassing a Tokyo subway) may not see, as Hitler did not, those outside his groups as deserving to live. Milder forms of sociopathy are found in some religious fundamentalists, rigid politicians, racists or even tobacco and gun-manufacturing executives.

What they have in common is that they do not feel responsible - they can nit-pick laws or deny their feelings - for the lives of others. They find little value in the “other,” especially if it is an anonymous “other.” Ted Bundy killed by “type,” not by person.

The letter writer, judging from his letter, was not a nerd. I responded to his anger (blaming others) and his fear (blaming himself) rather than his lack of interest (nerd). - Jennifer

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review