Kids ‘R’ Not Welcome Some Parents Have Little Regard For Their Children’s Sensitivity To Violent Movies, And No Respect For Theater-Goers

It had been a perfectly pleasant evening spent in contemplation of nuclear Armageddon, when a baby began to cry.

The prospect of thermonuclear war is upsetting, of course, but the audience at this showing of the movie “Crimson Tide” had paid good money to be cinematically upset. The baby, on the other hand, presumably had more immediate concerns.

Who wanted to miss Armageddon to summon an usher? We watched the movie’s resolution, punctuated with baby wails, then lodged our now-traditional post-movie complaint about children at R-rated movies.

There are few less-welcome sights at an adult-oriented movie than a mother with a babe in arms or a toddler bouncing on the seat in front of you.

And such sights are appallingly common.

I have seen preschoolers at “Die Hard 2,” which one critic estimated to show the killings of 204 people. I saw a toddler sucking a bottle through “Under Siege,” in which Steven Seagal, among many other wholesome things, knifes a man through the skull.

Add concern for the children to the annoyance factor. I find it hard to enjoy a good brain-stabbing when I know a little girl who has yet to master a drinking cup is watching, too.

And some adults seem to think action movies too tame for the grammar-school set. My husband once saw a man with what looked to be a 6-year-old boy at “Natural Born Killers,” a movie so relentlessly bloody that it only got an R rating after submitting five revisions to the ratings board.

You have to wonder if the decision-making process involved:

“Let’s see, Junior, we could see ‘The Lion King,’ ‘Pagemaster,’ or how about this bloodsoaked satire about a pair of psychopathic serial murderers?”

Happily, the man took the boy out of the theater after about 20 minutes of carnage.

But what prompts an adult to think that a movie rated as possibly inappropriate for a 16-year-old would be mother’s milk for a preschooler?

Presumably, selfishness: Parents want to see the movie, and they either can’t afford a baby-sitter or can’t find a trustworthy one.

Either is an unfortunate situation. Still, why should the rest of us suffer? And how bad can the financial crisis be if they can pay at least $18 for two adult and one child’s tickets? A home-video rental costs about $3.

Bringing children to grown-up movies shows the same lack of consideration as chatting through the film. Both make the rest of us want to stay home.

Many of us do. Seventy percent of Americans would rather watch movies at home than on the big screen, a survey by U.S. News & World Report and CNN found.

Would that people showed good judgment and consideration of others. But barring that utopian vision, how about this one:

Classic Cinemas, owners of 15 Chicago-area theaters, offers a delightful guarantee of adult peace: After 6 p.m., no children under 6 are allowed into R-rated movies. At two of its theaters, the policy even extends to PG-13 movies or applies at all hours.

“We believe that an R-rated movie is for adults,” said Willis Johnson, president of Classic Cinemas. “They should be able to go to a movie and watch it undisturbed.”

The Cineplex Odeon theaters in two downtown Chicago locations also bar children under 6 except for occasional family movies.

“As we’re not booking family fare there, we keep those theaters as preserves, escapes for adults,” said Howard Lichtman, Cineplex Odeon executive vice president for marketing.

Those are the kind of theaters I like to patronize. I like preserves; I yearn for escapes.

I have nothing against children. I have two of my own.

That’s partly why I go to the movies.