Cheap Seats

Unplayable lie

Robert Landers, the farmer from Azle, Texas, who recently made his debut on the Senior PGA Tour, had a problem with sand shots - mainly because of a lack of practice. So he built his own trap on his farm by hauling sand from a nearby river and filtering it to make it closer to the fine grain found on golf courses.

“He didn’t hardly get it built before the cows got to sleeping in it,” his wife, Freddie, reported. “They liked the cool sand and Robert would be too nice to shoo them out of there.”

Billy C. meets Dickie V(eep)?

He hasn’t been winning many on Capitol Hill, but Bill Clinton has been a good luck charm for college basketball teams. He’s seen George Washington upset UMass and watched Georgetown, his law alma mater, knock off Villanova. He’s spent so much time courtside that recently he wound up playing microphone tug-of-war with ESPN screamer Dick Vitale. A sign even pushed him and Vitale as running mates.

“That may be Al Gore’s idea,” the president said.

“Will you be at the Final Four?” Vitale asked.

“I hope so,” Clinton said. “I’ve got a job, though.”

Vitale says he’s going to take Clinton up on his offer to shoot hoops at the White House. “The guy has a tremendous understanding of the game,” Vitale said.

Then give him your chair, Dick.

Is your refrigerator running?

Prince Albert in a can? This had to be a crank call, right? Diane Cicora, receptionist at the Orioles’ Twin Lakes Park complex in Florida, handled this weird hop off a batty fan inquiring about exhibition games.

“Will the major leaguers be there?” he asked.

“No, I’m sorry, they won’t,” Cicora replied.

“How come?” wondered the caller.

Writes Buster Olney of the Baltimore Sun, “If Judge Lance Ito is looking for an alternate juror, we have a candidate.”

You don’t know Shin from Shinola

Dwayne Schintzius has never been a go-to guy - more of a stay-away-from stiff. He’s averaging less than 6 minutes and two points a game for the New Jersey Nets, and has only played in 26 of their 57 games.

So what got into him recently when he got 10 minutes against the Nuggets’ Dikembe Mutombo and scored nine points - including a dunk that had injured teammate Derrick Coleman yelling, “Air Shin! Air Shin!” from the bench?

Whatever, it didn’t last. The 7-foot-2 backup was back on the pine anon - probably thinking what occurred to him after a December loss in which he didn’t play: “What the Nets need to do is start playing Dwayne Schintzius,” he said. “I heard he’s awesome.”

The last word …

“Anybody going into boxing already has brain damage.”

- George Foreman, on if he worries about risking brain damage in the ring