Son Rejects New Men In Mon’s Life
Q: My son, 10, is especially mean when I bring a new man home. His father and I divorced 18 months ago. I see a counselor and she has explained that Bobby just won’t accept a new man in his life right now. But I have a right to date, don’t I? Can you help me understand what’s going on with my son’s feelings? - Jeanette, Spokane
A: Your son’s behavior is pretty normal. He wants you to put him first above everyone else. Anyone who gets in the way of his basic need for attention - a need amplified by divorce and single parenting - will be scorned. When that “anyone” is a competitor to his father, an unknown quantity, the scorn gets worse. Your son is mad at you, mad at his dad, mad at the world - the new man will be the safe object of all this anger.
Your son is not able right now to risk attachment to a new man. His attachment to Dad led to profound trauma when the marriage ended. Your son will hope, for years and years, that you and his dad will reconcile. He won’t invest in a new man when he feels he must work toward getting his mom and dad back together.
Your son will feel a profound responsibility to “be the man of the house” when Dad is gone. He will not want a new man to be the man of the house.
Your unmet expectations of men in your marriage are one of the reasons the marriage ended. Every child, at some level, knows this. Your son is going to be unlikely to re-invest himself in your expectations again with new men.
Your son will try to protect you at all costs, fearing for your very safety with a new man.
There are two keys to navigating through all this:
You must choose new men very carefully, finding just the right man for you and for your son. Studies indicate that sexual and emotional promiscuity in the custodial parent following a divorce is traumatic to the children.
You must keep communicating with your son, even when he scorns you, about how you understand the reasons for his scorn, and can help explain things to him. Get his point of view. Help him find another safe, mentorial man - teacher, counselor, family member - to talk to. Don’t be afraid of what he’ll say.
Many sons do form bonds with “new men,” “boyfriends” and “stepfathers.” How do they do it? 1. The new man is never seen as a substitute for dad. He is given a different role. This is consciously verbalized between mother, father, stepfather/boyfriend, and son. He’s part of the son’s “rearing tribe,” but not the father.
2. The new man forms as much of an alliance with the father as possible so he and the father can compare notes about how to bring the boy into the adult world.
3. The mother gives the birthfather more custody time than she wanted to give before - the entrance in her life of a new man will go more smoothly if the boy spends more time with his own father. Exceptions to this exist in a minority of cases in which the birth-father is dangerous and/or wants absolutely nothing to do with the son.
4. If the father refuses to have anything to do with the son, then the mother, stepfather and son get substantial outside help to create a new attachment between the son and the stepfather. In some cases, the son will have already attached to another male, an elder brother, an uncle or grandfather. In that case, the stepfather again steps out of the way.
5. Discipline structures and household routines that are imposed by the stepfather are explained clearly to the son and not imposed as substitutes for a father’s and mother’s.
6. The mother reassures the son whenever possible - not through material objects necessarily, but through other emotional channels - that he is irreplaceable in her life.
The divorced mothers and sons who are able to best navigate these waters are those women and boys who keep communicating, keep family rituals strong, keep having dinner together, family time together, reading time together. In the divorce, the children lose family stability. Few things are more traumatic for a child. The greatest gift a divorced mom can give her son is stability - in her choice of a new mate, the regimen of daily routines, and her love for him.
Over the next few weeks I’ll do a series of columns on the mother-son relationship as I prepare to teach a six-night public class on the subject at the Deaconess Educational Center (for information, call 624-1436). Write me with any questions you have or experiences you want to share about the mother-son bond.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Michael Gurian The Spokesman-Review