Bottom Lines

The Save the WHO campaign?

Gov. Mike Lowry is launching a campaign to free the last killer whale in captivity. I’m sorry, but with Lowry’s current problems, he should never be connected with anything or anybody named “Lolita.”

The endangered butterflies

Hooray. We have saved the giant metal butterflies in Riverfront Park. However, with the Endangered Species Act threatened in Congress, we can kiss actual living species goodbye.

Gun-totin’ Rambo-boys

A bunch of gun-totin’ radicals were arrested in Montana with a hidden cache of assault rifles and bayonets. These guys weren’t too bright. If they had carried them in the gun racks of their pickups, nobody would have noticed anything odd.

Taking the torts out of their mouths

What’s this? The House is attempting to restrict our right to file frivolous and fraudulent lawsuits? What will lawyers do all day long?

It beats winning the lottery

These legal-reform bills are an assault on our most fundamental right: Our right to cook up some scheme to win millions from some rich corporation. We’re talking the American Dream.

Catchy campaign slogan

The truth is, these bills may make it too difficult for ordinary people to win legitimate suits, which is why Clinton has threatened to veto them. As if Clinton doesn’t have enough problems, now he’ll be known as Bill Clinton, The Lawyer’s Friend.

Another catchy campaign slogan

This may prove just as popular as Bill Clinton, The Gay Soldier’s Friend.

Get your hands off our monopoly

A number of states are having apoplexy over the proposed National Indian Lottery, because of the principle that a lottery is illegal and immoral unless it happens to be theirs.

Congratulations to these two cities

Tampa Bay and Phoenix were awarded major league baseball franchises. Spontaneous celebrations broke out in Indianapolis and Buffalo, which weren’t.

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