Cheap Seats

Adios to a stand-up guy

Pedro Borbon’s rebirth in replacement baseball has mercifully expired. Signed last month after a 15-year absence from baseball, the portly 48-year-old pitcher was released Tuesday by the Cincinnati Reds.

Borbon faced just two batters in exhibition games. He struck out one in a game against Pittsburgh. Against Cleveland Monday night, Borbon fell down trying to field a weak grounder and threw wildly to first for an error. Borbon had also fallen while running in a workout before the spring training opener.

“He gives new meaning to the term, ‘Big Red Machine,”’ said Phillies pitcher Larry Andersen.

Label in the back, big guy

Sure, Michael Jordan was bound to be a little rusty his first game back as a Bull. But couldn’t he remember how to put on his shorts? No one ever claimed His Airness puts his pants on one leg at a time like mere mortals, but you’d think he’d know the front from the back - and he does. The Bulls’ seamstress, however, doesn’t: the NBA symbol on Jordan’s shorts was sewn on the back by mistake.

“Must be why I played so bad,” Jordan said.

The Bulls weren’t the only ones who had to do some last-minute alterations. Each week, NBC shows a jersey as a backdrop coming out of its halftime show and had Scottie Pippen’s No. 33 ready. When it became clear Jordan would play, the network removed the 33 and had a 4 and a 5 steamed on.

From the home office …

David Letterman’s Top 10 signs Michael Jordan is out of shape: 10. Played whole 4th quarter in a golf cart.

9. Constant interruptions in play because his loud wheezing sounds like a whistle.

8. Now he’s only three times as good as the rest of the players.

7. More fans hurt by stray balls than at a presidential golf tournament.

6. Indiana Pacers using my mom to guard him.

5. Every timeout: two hot dogs and a big wad of cotton candy.

4. Got winded giving finger to Reggie Miller.

3. Richard Simmons followed him home from yesterday’s game.

2. When he fakes left and moves right, his ass keeps goin’ left.

1. The Gatorade I.V.

And No. 1-A: Sat out the last 1.8 seconds with Scottie.

So long, Ma

Perhaps you heard that Ma Junren, the controversial Chinese running guru who gained fame when his athletes broke a slew of world records in 1993, has been replaced as coach by his star pupil, Wang Junxia, who led a revolt over Ma’s excessive discipline. What you may not have heard is that the team has a new nickname: The Scuds. That’s right, after the missiles. In Chinese, the name means “hairy flying legs.”

So much for that sponsorship with Lady Remington.

The last word …

“Much the way Lee Trevino keeps marrying women named Claudia, it seemed John Daly’s wives were all destined to have the same first name: Plaintiff.”

- Tom Callahan in Golf Digest