Olbermann Won’t Replace Saracastic Commentary
Keith Olbermann, ESPN’s black-belt wiseacre and chief nasty boy, hates replacement baseball, detests those who may play it come Opening Day Sunday, and makes clear that he will mock, mock, mock, till the major leaguers return.
“It’s a post-apocalyptic nuclear vision of baseball,” he said.
On Sunday’s “SportsCenter” highlights, Olbermann said Rey Palacios can fit three baseballs in his mouth (Did Peter Gammons feed him that line?) and that Mets outfielder Herm Winningham was 71 years old. To end the reel, he crooned, as he is wont to do: “Unprofessional. That’s what you are.”
“I’ve called them replacements, fill-ins and weasels,” he said. “Most of all I feel sorry for them. The owners have taken advantage of their desires to have this one last break to play baseball. These guys are victims.”
Olbermann is passionate about the sanctity of baseball’s history. His on-air demeanor is, well, flip and even obnoxious, a hybrid of Bart Giamatti and Dennis Miller. But he has gotten one call from a striking player cheering him on. So he will continue his assault every night until the sham is over.
“Replacement baseball is the worst thing in major league history,” he said. “I can’t let it sit there.” He watched a few games, which he compared to “a slow afternoon in the Arizona Fall League - at its best.”
Olbermann has been having visions, apparently caused by an overload of Oil Can Boyds, Matt Starks and Mike Birkbecks.
“When I’m writing at my computer,” he said, “sometimes Fred Merkel, Joe Jackson and all the tragic figures of baseball’s past say to me, ‘Good, do it; this hurts me, too.”’
I’d love to hear Olbermann call a game, but fear what wounds he’d inflict upon himself. His bitter sarcasm may be a sassiness overload over nine innings, and I’d probably long for some cannoli and anniversary wishes.
Don’t count on Olbermann’s broadly humorous, occasionally cruel vision to invade replacement telecasts. The style would not fit most announcers.
So don’t expect Olbermannitis to infect Phil Rizzuto, who will have fun anyway but may seek escape to New Jersey earlier than ever. I hope the Dodgers’ Vin Scully won’t wax too much about swords of Damocles hanging over the faux Los Angelenos; nothing in replacement ball will mean that much.
Meanwhile, other announcers may be too afraid to offend their employers to wholly describe the awful truths they’re witnessing.
“There’s way too much of that,” said Sean McDonough, the Red Sox announcer for WSBK-TV who also works for ESPN. “Too many guys fear for their job security.”
Listening briefly - I couldn’t bear any more, on principle - to Bob Murphy on WFAN the other day, I thought I was listening to any other game, sunny side up.
McDonough, fresh off a stellar stint calling the NCAA men’s basketball tournament for CBS, said he won’t look to be a crank.
“I’m going to call the games as I normally would, and be critical when I feel it’s necessary,” he said. “But to keep saying, ‘Mike Greenwell would have made that play,’ when a replacement doesn’t, will just get ridiculous.”