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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

It’s Great Simply To Be An American

Thomas L. Friedman New York Times

In my next life, I want to be a European statesman.

I want to be able to turn up my nose at the United States when it puts principle before profit and naively imposes an embargo on Iran to try to prevent that medieval theocracy from acquiring nuclear arms.

I want to be able to tell the Americans with great arrogance that the right way to deal with Iran is through what European statesmen call “a critical dialogue” - which I assume means the Europeans criticize America and carry on a dialogue with the Iranians, while pocketing their cash.

If I can’t be a European statesman, then in my next life, I want to be a Japanese trade negotiator.

I want to erect trade barriers around my country and then accuse whoever tries to break down those barriers of engaging in “managed trade.”

I want to be able to grossly underpay my country’s workers while I plow all my profits into building new markets abroad. And then when my currency soars in value against the dollar - because I don’t import anything from anyone - I want to say with a straight face that the whole problem could be solved if the United States would just choke off its growth and raise its interest rates.

If I can’t be a Japanese trade negotiator, then in my next life, I want to be a North Korean diplomat.

I want to be able to defy the world, build nuclear weapons and then get the United States to bribe me with a safe nuclear reactor to halt my own program - without having to give up any of my bombs. And then, when the deal is done, I want to tell the Americans that I have changed my mind, that I won’t accept the reactor they are giving me free of charge because it was made by my archenemy, South Korea. But I will say that I still want Coca-Cola to open a bottling factory in my country.

If I can’t be a North Korean diplomat, then in my next life, I want to be the head of the Russian Atomic Energy Commission. I want to sell nuclear technology to Iran so that its cynical, hate-filled ayatollahs living near Russia’s southern border one day will have a nuclear weapon with which to threaten Moscow.

I want to do this because I can make lots of money and be a real power player in the Kremlin - until the Iranians blow it up.

If I can’t be a Russian energy czar, then in my next life, I want to be president of Serbia (or Croatia). I want to slick back my hair and wear tailored suits while I stand before the world and deny perpetrating ghastly atrocities to cleanse my homeland of strangers. I want to give lots of interviews on CNN and declare that if only the world remembered the Battle of Kosovo, back in 1389, it would understand why my people are the true victims and are justified in slaughtering their neighbors.

If I can’t be president of Serbia, then in my next life, I want to be a Republican presidential candidate. I want to be able to repeal the ban on assault weapons so paranoid private militias trying to subvert the Constitution will be much better armed to resist the police, FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms the next time they try to blow up a federal building.

If I can’t be a Republican presidential candidate, then in my next life, I want to be speaker of the House.

I want to be able to have my mother call the first lady a “bitch” on national television. I want to denounce editorial writers and certain bureaucrats as “socialists.” And I want to de-legitimize the federal government. Then I want to be able to say it’s “obscene” to suggest that my obscene language might have contributed to an atmosphere in which right-wing anti-government extremists feel so alienated from their fellow Americans that they would blow up a federal building with a day-care center inside.

If I can’t be speaker of the House, then in my next life, I want to be one of O.J. Simpson’s lawyers. Yes, I want to be a Harvard-trained hired gun who - just like the gun fanatics - tries to undermine public faith in our legal system by inventing government conspiracies behind every drop of spilled blood.

But if I can’t be any of these people, then in my next life, I think I just want to be an American citizen.

I want to be a member of the freest society in the world. I want to have a government that, with all its flaws, is ready occasionally to stand up and act on principle, not just profit.

And I want to understand that preserving such a society is not automatic. It is something that has to be worked at every day. And it has to be worked at by nurturing a society in which people appreciate that the government-is-us, that hate speech leads to hate acts and that the civic courage to be a tolerant, law-abiding, taxpaying citizen is the greatest courage of all.

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