Of Course Our Promises Are Inflated, But Hey, So Are Every Other College’s

Dear College Applicant: We know you’ve probably been hearing and reading a lot about how some U.S. colleges and universities have been less than truthful about graduation rates and the average S.A.T. scores of incoming freshmen.

We here at Southwest Doofus State University, home of the Fightin’ Pepper Steaks, realize that the average layman doesn’t understand why university officials often just slice off the bottom 6 percent of S.A.T. scores like a burned biscuit and toss ‘em in the trash. Or why others just routinely add 200 points per student for the “College Handbook.”

The truth is, if we didn’t do that, our S.A.T. scores wouldn’t look that great and you might take those laughingly inflated student activity fees elsewhere.

It doesn’t take an economics professor to figure out our motives. Of course that’s fortunate because we don’t really have an economics professor here.

Just a guy named Joe who can add figures in his head pretty good. When he’s sober.

All that stuff in the catalog we sent you about how 100 percent of our faculty has Ph.D.s wasn’t exactly true, either. But I can assure you, Prospective Student, almost every one of our professors has passed a high school equivalency exam administered by some of the finest hall proctors in academic history.

I think I need say only two words - Kato Kaelin - and you’ll know I’m telling the truth. Or something close to it.

You might as well know that our faculty hasn’t exactly published that much stuff either.

We know, we know. We shouldn’t have done it, but, well, once you start lying about test scores, it’s just more fun than a dorm mixer with a 20-tap beer keg.

Truth is, one of the English professors did write a poem published by the “World of Poetry” people, but he ended up having to pay them $100 for the book when it came out so I’m not sure that really counts.

We know you’ve also been wondering what’s wrong with American colleges and universities when, as recent news reports told us, Harvard University admits a freshman girl who, whoops-a-daisy, bludgeoned her mother to death five years ago.

They’re still scrapin’ hasty pudding off their face for that one and have uninvited the murdersome miss.

Now, it’s not my job to take up for Harvard, especially since they’re by and large a bunch of inbred snobs who actually believe rowing is a sport, but I must say I have personally seen Harvard’s application for admission and can state unequivocably that nowhere on that application is there a box to check “yes” or “no” if you have ever killed one or both of your parents.

Besides, it’s not like we university types have nothing else to do but make sure every little “i” is dotted and every little, uh, whatever that other letter is, is crossed to make sure you’re telling us the truth.

Bottom line? We don’t care. As long as we got your money, everybody’s happy, right kiddo?

Like I said, we in the respected profession of university administration have taken a bit of a beating in the press lately. Just last week, everybody read about the kid who transferred from a California community college to Yale after faking his transcript using Yale’s computer.

Computer technology makes it real easy to change your grades. Which brings us to another little matter I want to set straight.

You know all those pictures of fancy computer labs in our college catalog? Shoot, those aren’t ours. We don’t actually have any computers. Just an old Zenith and a Pong game somebody bought at the Chi Omega yard sale.

We feel better coming clean like this, Prospective Student, and hope you understand that hundreds of colleges lie about S.A.T.s and graduation rates and stuff to make themselves look good.

Now that we’ve cleared the air, we look forward to meeting you and giving you a tour of our oceanfront campus where you’ll have your own condo with a sauna and 24-hour, on-call Swedish masseuse.

Oh, sorry. Old habits die hard.

xxxx