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Field of screams

The infield dirt at Camden Yards is being sifted in response to players’ concerns that glass-like shards were surfacing. According to Baltimore manager Phil Regan, players collected a cupful of the inch-long fragments that he said were “like a broken bottle.”

Have the White Sox played there yet? Those could be remnants of Robin Ventura’s glove.

Cradle of coaches

The Texas Sports Guide is where you look for the listings of every coach at every high school in the state. But beware the listings for Dripping Springs High School outside of Austin - they’re dripping with sarcasm.

In recent years, DSHS has listed former Olympian Mary Lou Retton as gymnastics coach, actor Patrick Swayze as dance director and former NFL kicker Garo Yepremian as soccer coach. Now, Cowboys defensive back Bill Bates has turned up as the school’s rugby coach.

“We’re a small high school,” cracked Dripping Springs athletic director Poe Shelton, “but we like to get the best qualified people.

“Seriously, though, we’ve been waiting to get caught. We’ve gotten more blatant every year.”

Publisher Gene Towne vowed not to be fooled again. “I can assure you Dripping Springs will have legitimate listings this year,” he said.

So apparently we won’t be seeing these new staff listings: Forrest Gump, running backs coach; Dennis Rodman, sports psychologist; Darryl Strawberry, athletic business manager; Dennis Erickson, driver’s ed; and Mike Tyson, prom chaperone.

Chain of Phools

Well, the Phillie Phanatic is now accused of running amok - not unlike our legal system. The Phillies’ rotund, furry mascot has been named in a lawsuit for “engaging in unlawful or offensive touching.”

Carl G. Seidel, 72, says he was knocked over by either costumed creature’s trademark floppy belly or projectile nose during a 1991 carnival at the Maternity Blessed Virgin Mary Catholic Church. The retired bus driver says the episode aggravated an old back problem and has made walking nearly impossible. Seidel seeks $525,000 in damages.

Seidel says the Phanatic willfully, “recklessly, wantonly, outrageously, negligently and carelessly caused him trauma, shock, pain, humiliation and loss of life’s pleasures.”

Phillies lawyer Marc B. Zingarini says Seidel’s claims are extreme. “I’ll bet you that Santa Claus has been sued somewhere for something, too,” he said.

Is he a team mascot now, too?

Irony of ironies

What has Warren Moon learned from his work as a television reporter covering the NBA playoffs? That dealing with professional athletes can be exasperating.

“When you’re on the other side (of the microphone) you have to get used to waiting for them to do an interview, if they even want to do it,” Moon said. “That’s the biggest thing to get used to - the waiting around.”

The last word …

“Let’s see, give me about five balls. I’ve got to play catch with Mitch.”

- Angels reliever Lee Smith, en route to pregame warmups with teammate Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams