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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Good Old Boys’ Claims Not Worth A Hoot

Rowland Nethaway Cox News Service

Now that four bold Chicago men successfully have broken down the gender barrier at the Hooters burger chain, their next target for male equity should be the sexist Miss America contest, which also claims it is not selling sex.

That must be where the good old boys at Atlanta-based Hooters of America Inc. got themselves into trouble. Right off the bat, they should have owned up to what they were doing.

The secret to Hooters’ burger success is not its secret sauce. It’s sex.

The chain’s scantily clad waitresses are called “Hooters Girls.” Now, the good old boys who dreamed up this burger business may have told their mamas some story about their deep environmental concern for spotted owls, but everyone else in America knows better.

I can imagine a carload of Southern boys headed over to the Purolator 500 to watch Dale Earnhardt’s No. 3 take another checkered flag when one of the guys says he’d like to stop for a burger.

Yeah, they agree, a burger would be good. But they can’t agree on a burger joint.

Then one of them asks if they all wouldn’t like to go to a burger joint where all the waitresses are young, pretty, well-built and serve burgers in their underwear.

Yeah, yeah, they all agree, slapping, stomping and yeehawing.

“What’s it called?” someone shouts.

“Hooters, of course,” comes the answer.

The rest is history. And now these good old boys even sponsor their own Hooters car on the NASCAR circuit.

Hooters’ troubles started when four Chicago champions of male rights told the non-essential employees at the federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that Hooters had a “lace ceiling” that prevented them from fulfilling their dreams of serving burgers and chicken wings to a roomful of leering guys.

Sensing a loose thread that threatened to unravel society, an untold number of non-essential federal employees jumped on the case. And this intrepid cluster of federal investigators pursued the sex discrimination case against Hooters for four years.

Did you catch that? This dauntless clump of feds investigated Hooters’ 172-restaurant chain for four years.

There’s no telling how many burgers, chicken wings and fries our stalwart government investigators consumed before ruling in favor of the four Chicago men a few months ago.

In addition to hiring men to serve burgers at Hooters, the commission also ruled that Hooters must pay $22 million into a fund for victims of male discrimination, establish a scholarship fund to enhance job opportunities for men and set up a sensitivity training program to combat sex discrimination.

As soon as these four Chicago gender pioneers had filed their sex discrimination complaint with the appropriate clot of non-essential federal regulators, the good old boys at Hooters headquarters should have confessed that they indeed were selling sex to sell burgers. Instead, as I understand it, they maintained that they were selling food.

Playboy magazine is allowed to have all-female bunnies, I have read, because Playboy officials are upfront that they are selling sex in the sense that their business has a very heavy sexual aspect to it.

Supposedly, this is the one tiny loophole that, so far, has kept our tireless federal protectors from requiring that men be hired as Radio City Music Hall Rockettes and as cheerleaders for the Dallas Cowboys football team.

I tried to check this out with Equal Employment Opportunity Commission officials in Washington but learned that no one was available to talk because only essential federal employees were on the job. The commission folks had been included in the 840,000 non-essential federal employees sent home when the federal government more or less shut down last week for lack of funds.

But I’m fairly sure that the Miss America contest maintains that it does not sell sex; all the prize money, jobs and other riches are awarded based on talent and wholesomeness.

Sounds like something our Chicago guys would be interested in if they have a nice set of pumps and can twirl a baton.

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