Go Away, O.J., And Don’t Come Back

Someday, the name of O.J. Simpson will be a trivia stumper. People will say, “Oh, yeah, wasn’t he a football player or a murderer or something?”

By then, though, your grandchildren will be very old and living in moon colonies.

The O.J. Phenomenon keeps America’s anger exploding in the 100-megaton range. Forget politics, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton. People who were furious at The Verdict They Didn’t Believe now are upset at The Interview Nobody Heard.

Half are mad because NBC agreed to interview Simpson; the other half are mad because Simpson chickened out.

Why did Simpson agree to spill his guts on NBC, then let his lawyers talk him out of it?

Glad you asked.

Here, exclusively, I can reveal the interview with Tom Brokaw and Katie Couric as O.J. Simpson had imagined it would happen:

Brokaw: Tonight, we have with us the great football player, star actor and beloved sportscaster, O.J. Simpson. Gosh, O.J., it seems just yesterday you were leaping over airline counters in those great Hertz commercials.

Simpson: Thanks, Tom. Now that I’m back from, uh, vacation, I’m available, as a famous celebrity, to make more commercials for big bucks.

Brokaw: Well, O.J., this will be a tough, no-holds-barred interview. I hope this unpleasant question won’t offend you - were you innocent?

Simpson: Wow, that is a tough, no-holds-barred question, Tom. (Simpson looks wide-eyed at the camera.) I was totally innocent. The jury ignored the planted evidence and racist cops. It believed my Dream Team lawyers, who worked for only $3 million.

Brokaw (sternly): But, O.J., why were you trying to escape in that Bronco with your passport and a wad of cash?

Simpson: I was hurrying to a McDonald’s because they had a special on Big Macs, Tom.

Brokaw: That makes sense. I won’t pester you about DNA evidence, blood in your Bronco, the missing suitcase, the bloody glove. But where were you between 10 and 11 that night?

Simpson: I was chipping golf balls in my back yard, using my night-vision goggles. As a famous celebrity, Tom, I play in many tournaments to raise money for orphans.

Couric (sobbing): You loved your wife and children, didn’t you, O.J?

Simpson: Yes, Katie, I had a wonderful, serene marriage. We often kidded around, sparring as I practiced kung fu for my films. I’ll spend my days pursuing the horrible monster who did her in. And if any Hollywood producers are listening, that would make a great movie. On HBO or Showtime, my cut should be $4 million.

Couric: You’re a wonderful human being, O.J.

Simpson: Katie, that’s a perfect title for my next book, which should net $6 million with paperback rights.

Brokaw: You’ve been courageous to submit to this tough, no-holds-barred interview, O.J. It built up our ratings and refurbished your image.

Simpson: My pleasure, Tom. And if NBC wants to sign me for $3 million to work in pro football, contact me in Acapulco. I’ll be doing a TV ad there for a cutlery company - hey-hey, a joke, Tom.

Brokaw: You’re always a witty, warm guest. Now, folks, two hours of videotape - O.J.’s greatest touchdowns and O.J.’s great moments in film. To close this hard-hitting program, Johnnie Cochran will speak on “O.J. - Martyr, Hero and Rich Client.”

That was The Juice’s fantasy - a fuzzy, happy-talk gabfest to charm America into believing him to be as lovable as Captain Kangaroo. Then, he’d be hot again on the celebrity market.

Blame this delusion on Simpson’s ex-jock megalomania. He’s deaf to the 75 percent of Americans (OK, mostly white) who are convinced he murdered two people.

I don’t join the rap against NBC. If Adolf Hitler or Attila the Hun is available, NBC’s in the news business.

But O.J. got quivery when he heard that Prosecutor Marcia Clark was advising NBC. After Diane Sawyer’s powder-puff act with Michael Jackson, Brokaw and Couric were bound to hit O.J. with - pardon the expression - a killer interview.

“They wanted to retry me,” whined Simpson. Lawyers told him his NBC words might cost his last dime in a wrongful-death suit. So he folded.

Good. Personally, I’ve had it with O.J. Mania.

I’m tired of Simpson riddles. (What were O.J.’s last words to Judge Lance Ito? “Can I get back my cap and glove?” What’s the slogan of O.J.’s limousine company? “We get you to the airport with an hour to kill.”)

I’m weary of black vs. white reactions to the Simpson verdict, splitting the country with racial theatrics. (The trial was about money, class and celebrity as much as race.)

Let Simpson’s NBC absence set a merciful trend.

Get lost, O.J. Go to Nepal or Tierra del Fuego or Timbuktu. Swear a vow of silence. Go away. And take the Dream Team with you.

It’s time to shut down the O.J. soap opera. Forever.

xxxx