Enjoying Sta’s Useful New Sidewalk

As a regular bus rider, I have had vast experience using the new STA Plaza.

Not actually going inside. Why would anybody want to do that? I mean hanging around on the sidewalk outside, waiting for my bus.

So, I thought I would share my expertise by presenting my own personal User’s Guide to the Multi-Trillion Dollar STA Plaza. I am being paid no promotional fee by STA, for reasons that will become clear as you read on:

Catching Your Bus: First, you must determine your bus’s numbered boarding spot, or, in official STA parlance, “Loitering Zone.” I, for instance, catch my bus at the No. 4 Loitering Zone.

Second, you must know the correct route number of your bus, since several different buses may use the same Loitering Zone. The bus number is flashed on a high-tech multi-trillion dollar kiosk at each Loitering Zone and is also displayed on the front, back and sides of each bus.

Pay no attention to any of these displays; you never know when someone in the STA Nerve Center might be messing with your mind.

Instead, you should go up to either a bus driver, a uniformed STA Information Specialist or a wino and say, “Is this the bus to Minnehaha?”

If the answer is yes, board the bus, although there is a risk you might end up in Minnehaha.

If the answer is no, resume your previous activity, i.e. loitering on the sidewalk.

Deciphering the schedules: First, obtain a current schedule at The Bus Shop. This shop is easy to find because it is the only actual thing, besides wasted space, inside the entire multi-trillion dollar STA Plaza.

Then you should determine whether your bus is in Group 1, Group 2 or Group 3. If it is in Group 1, for instance, your bus leaves five minutes after the hour and 35 minutes after the hour.

To recap: Memorize your Loitering Zone, your bus number, your group number and your departure times, and then go up to some wino on the sidewalk and say, “Is that the bus to Minnehaha?”

Coming into town is even simpler. Simply get on a bus and ride it until you end up at the STA Plaza, or at Niko’s Greek Restaurant down the block, since the multi-trillion dollar STA Plaza isn’t quite big enough to handle all the buses. The aroma of keftedes meatballs (which are excellent, by the way) is your signal that you have arrived at your destination.

Sidewalk Etiquette: Rule No. 1: Try not to lie down in the doorways of neighboring businesses. Lie down farther out on the sidewalk if you can.

Rule No. 2: When you line up for your bus, try not to block all pedestrian traffic. Allow two or three pedestrians to squeeze through every few minutes.

Rule No. 3: Before boarding your bus, be sure and stub out your smoke on the sidewalk or against the wall of the multi-trillion dollar STA Plaza. It’s only common courtesy.

Ways The New STA Plaza Has Helped Downtown: It has vastly improved the ambience at the SeaFirst Building courtyard.

Cold-weather advice: When the snow starts to fly, we will no longer want to bask outside in the beach-like milieu of the sidewalk. Instead, we will want to bask in the warm welcoming atmosphere of the multi-trillion dollar STA Plaza. Two or three lucky people can actually sit down on benches, if they bring their Cougar seat cushions.

Everybody else can either relax in huddled masses on the floor, or gather around the video monitors, which notify riders exactly when the buses arrive. This multi-trillion dollar video system accomplishes exactly what looking out a window would accomplish, if only someone had remembered to put in enough windows.

Frankly, I think the best thing to do is watch for your bus from the warmth of the doorway, partially blocking it. I’m not saying the video monitors aren’t reliable; I’m just saying you never know when someone in the STA Nerve Center might be playing with your head.

A Complete Guide to Interior Amenities: Nothing to report at this time. The Burger King isn’t open yet.

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review