Vote For Those With Joke Fodder
Yeah, yeah, everybody talks big about wanting responsible government.
Baloney on that. The day people start electing sensible candidates is the day we newsmongers run out of juicy material.
My worst nightmare is that the voting public suddenly comes to its senses in the Sept. 19 primary. That may sound selfish, but, hey, we’ve got papers to peddle.
Ask yourself, would you shell out 50 cents for a newspaper filled with drab headlines such as: “Officials work quietly to get jobs done”
Or would you rather jump-start your day with Tuesday’s actual front-page headline: “Marlton apologizes for profane remarks.”
We all know the answer, don’t we?
Democrat George Marlton became the latest member of our Three Stooges County Commission to prove politicians evolved from gibbons.
Strutting into a meeting, the lawyer inexplicably launched a silo of vulgarities that included a masturbatory mime act and an oral sex reference about a campaign worker.
George didn’t realize a reporter was among his audience of county poo-bahs.
Now that’s the kind of wingtip-in-mouth behavior that makes for lively journalism.
I have nothing against citizens like Democrat John Roskelley, a Marlton opponent. He seems to be an astute, sensible guy who also is regarded as one of the world’s premier mountaineers.
But can someone who scales the highest peaks entertain us like a nitwit who digs himself into deep, dark holes?
Besides, if the public really cared about quality, why do we keep electing loons?
Two words: Bob Packwood.
As long as leaders keep soiling themselves in public, I’ll continue to have a job. Out of self-protection, I’ve prepared the following handy clip-and-save voter’s guide you’ll want to take to the polls:
Spokane County Commission District 1
Despite Marlton’s creative effort to set his political dreams ablaze, there is always the slim chance he may learn his lesson. Few things are as boring as a repentant dolt in office.
Republican Martin Burnette shows promise. He is accused of fibbing about his involvement in our sacred Lilac Festival of all things. Unfortunately, Burnette is not a proven enough clown for this sideshow.
Our best bet is independent candidate Chris Anderson. The Spokane councilman has a long and distinguished track record of ego-swollen bluster, Perot-like paranoia and petty squabbling with his peers.
He once flew into a foaming fit because he didn’t get an antique car to ride in during a parade.
Combined with incumbent Neanderthals Phil Harris and Steve Hasson, Anderson could keep our county as yabba-dabba-dopey as an episode of the Flintstones.
Spokane City Council
Anderson’s migration to the commission will be a blow to City Hall news coverage. Without him as a constant irritant, council meetings could be in danger of becoming orderly.
Fortunately, a pair of veteran malcontents are sure to gum up the works: Vote John Talbott for position 2 and Ken Withey for position 3.
The two are members of the “Gang of Nine,” an unofficial band of pit bull civic agitators who show up at every meeting with their war paint on. No nit is ever too insignificant for the gang to pick away at.
Spokane School District
Who better to sit on a school board than a dim bulb who can’t read, write or shut up?
Gypsy leader Jimmy Marks wins the endorsement only because there is no election held for “Most Annoying Little Man on the Planet.”
Imagine Marks as an elected official. The screaming. The confusion. It would be a curse of apocalyptic proportion.
We’d probably have to up our newspapers to 75 cents.