Don’t Drive Fontes Out Of Motor City

Wayne Fontes is not Vince Lombardi. He’s also not Marion Campbell. But in Detroit these days, the faithful want Fontes to go the way of the Ford Falcon. “Wayne Must Go!” chants filled the Silverdome last Sunday as the Lions lost to St. Louis 20-17. To which I say:

If Wayne goes, I go.

(Pssst, Wayne - if you’re renting, I’d still stay month-to-month on the lease, big fella.)

Ninety percent of callers to a Detroit News telephone poll and 81 percent of callers to a WJBK-TV poll this week wanted Fontes fired as Lions coach. These are likely the same people who would vote to keep the swimsuit competition as part of Senate confirmation hearings for Cabinet posts.

There’s a Golden Rule of Coaching in the NFL in the 1990s: You start 0-3 and Jimmy Johnson has your job. Still, Fontes deserves better.

Since taking over late in the 1988 season, Fontes’ record is a rather mundane 52-56. But in the last four seasons, his Lions have made the playoffs three times - only Dallas, San Francisco and Kansas City have been in the postseason all four years - and won two NFC Central titles.

Listen up, Motor Mouths: In the 30 years prior to Fontes’ arrival, do you know how many division titles the Lions won? One. So back off, Jack, and take your greasy friends with you.

Sure, Fontes has Barry Sanders. He’s also had a bunch of quarterbacks who couldn’t hit water if they jumped off a boat.

Besides, Fontes may not be a great coach, but he seems like a nice, common guy. On the sideline, he shows more mood swings than Dracula at dawn. He’s full of glee, he’s full of gloom. Fontes has a face like a clenched fist. And after bad things happen, his whole body will slump or he’ll bury his head in his hands or he’ll have that “Jeezy, peezy, not me again!” look.

Curiously, Fontes can become both the winningest and losingest coach in Lions’ history this season, surpassing George Wilson (55-45-6) and Monte Clark (43-63-1), respectively.

This Monday night, the winless Lions are 11-point underdogs at home against the unbeaten 49ers. As a show of support for Fontes, not only am I going to take the points, but The Man is also predicting an OUT-RIGHT DETROIT UPSET. Of course, should San Francisco win by, oh, 45-10, then I say Wayne must go in a Yugo.

(Chess Bonus: In an attempt to end the string of draws at the Professional Chess Association world championship, challenger Viswanathan Anand next week will dump traditional “Sicilian defense” in favor of “West Indies offense.”)

As always, all picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

Chiefs at Browns (-4)

Browns WR Andre Rison pulled aside QB Vinny Testaverde in practice and pointed out that if the ball is thrown in the vicinity of the route he’s running, it actually increases the chances that Rison can make a reception… . Think I didn’t take note of Chiefs’ Lin Elliott shanking a critical 24-yard field goal attempt last week? That kick was wide left and right into my ulcer. Pick: Browns.

Packers (-10) at Jaguars

If misery loves company, Jacksonville should be the largest city in America by year’s end. Pick: Packers.

Saints at Giants (-3)

The league filed a $300 suit against the Giants, team owner Wellington Mara and QB Dave Brown Monday seeking to prevent the Giants’ offense from further damaging the NFL… . Responding to recent fan survey, drinking age at Giants Stadium reduced to 12. Pick: Giants.

Redskins at Buccaneers (-3)

Key stat: During his always innovative career, Tampa Bay’s Sam Wyche is 2-0 against Washington’s Norv Turner and 79-102 against all other NFL coaches. Counter stat: You bet on Sam Wyche often enough, you’re washing your socks in the river. Pick: Redskins.

Jets at Falcons (-5)

After beating Saints with overtime kick, Atlanta’s Morten Andersen said, “I couldn’t have scripted it any better. There’s got to be a movie about this.” Yeah, Morty, babe, Spielberg on Line 5; he wants to remake “Close Encounters” and you’re the guy. Pick: Jets.

Bears at Rams (-1)

In “Gulliver’s Travels,” two countries actually warred over which end of an egg - the narrow end or the round end - gets cracked. This sort of reminds me of sports fans in Chicago and St. Louis. Pick: Rams.

Vikings at Steelers (-5)

To straighten out hooks and slices, Minnesota’s Mike Saxon now using a perimeter-weighted punting shoe. Pick: Steelers.

Cardinals at Cowboys (-14)

On team flight home from Minneapolis, Dallas kicker Chris Boniol had aisle seat - in cargo hold. Pick: Cardinals.

Eagles at Raiders (-6)

At Al Davis’ request, the late J. Edgar Hoover briefed Raiders officials on security Thursday. Pick: Eagles.

Oilers at Bengals (-6)

On heels of Jerry Jones’ Nike contract, Oilers owner Bud Adams trying to close deal with Buster Brown. Pick: Oilers.

Broncos at Chargers (-4)

John Elway is the Unabomber. Pick: Broncos.

Last week: 12-3.

Season record: 23-19-3.