The Bible Has Gone Non-Smoting

‘In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. …

“God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”

And male and female did, in their turn, create political correctness to be a boon upon the earth and manifest joy and understanding to all the diverse creatures therein.

But lo, political correctness did fail in these tasks, did instead sow division and confusion upon the land. And verily, male and female did see the chaos and woe they had wrought, but did not repent of it and carried it wickedly even unto the very gates of heaven.

Ahem.

Are you ready for the PC Bible?

Ready or not, the folks at Oxford University Press have rewritten the New Testament and the Psalms to purge them of their sexism, racism and social insensitivity. They have enlightened the Lord - an act of presumption that makes me fear standing close to them on a cloudy day. Or even a clear one.

In the new Bible, the Father and the Son become the Parent and the Child. God no longer rules a “kingdom,” as that word has a “blatantly … patriarchal character,” according to the editors. They’ve also cut references to the evil of darkness in deference to African-American sensibilities. Nor will there be any more talk of the “right hand” of God, as this may offend the left-handed.

And so, “Our Father which art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. … Thy Kingdom come” now reads: “Father-Mother, hallowed be your name, may your dominion come.”

Really rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

I confess to selective badgering. I have no beef with rewritings designed to clarify the Bible’s arcane language. But clarification is not the aim here. Political correctness is, driven by the underlying assumption that it is possible or even desirable to impose uniformity upon humanity.

The Oxford Press’ Bible butchery bespeaks a trend toward what I will call petty equality - a cut-rate conformity in which we obsess on meaningless, minuscule details that give us the illusion of social progress. We seem to have stopped pressing for the real thing.

Frankly, I’m less concerned with darkness connoting evil in the Bible than I am with it connoting evil at the ATM.

Less concerned with the “patriarchal character” of God’s kingdom than I am with the patriarchal character of the American workplace.

And - insensitive lout that I am - I’m not concerned with the rights of the left-handed at all.

How come there’s never a plague of locusts around when you need one?

The first English translation of the Bible was completed in 1388. Can we all agree that a 607-year-old text is likely to contain antiquated references that will surely offend somebody, especially if that somebody looks hard enough? Can we further agree to accept, reject or ruminate upon the book for what it has to offer instead of torturing its language in the name of some grotesque parody of progress?

Are we - blacks, women, lefties - really that thin-skinned?

I am reminded of children - the picky, jealous carping when they think a sister or brother is getting more goodies than they are. So the unwary parent ends up counting out pieces of popcorn by hand, dispensing Kool-Aid with a measuring cup - enforcing a petty equality that has nothing to do with real equality and everything to do with shutting the little beggars up.

I know we live in whiny, sissified times but, really, are we that bad? That insecure? That dumb?

I have to believe we’re not. And yet, seeing the makers of this new scripture bestow their demeaning “equality” upon southpaws, blacks, women and anyone else who might feel marginalized by the biblical “bias” of long-dead right-handed white males, I’m not so sure.

I find the new scripture more offensive than the supposed defamations it purports to correct. If heaven is PC, the other place is starting to look a whole lot better.

xxxx