Teasing Can Be More Than Just Fun And Games
Larry and Amy Kamphaus are a couple of teases. The Orlando, Fla., couple find all sorts of things to needle each other about.
For instance, “we kid back and forth when we forget things,” says Larry, 24. If Larry’s the absent-minded one, “she’ll call me ‘Forrest”’ - as in Gump.
Most of their teasing is sheer playfulness, the Kamphauses say. Occasionally, though, there’s an underlying message to it.
Larry, who’s an Orlando police officer, “acts like a cop in every situation,” Amy says, and she doesn’t think that’s appropriate.
When she thinks he’s really over the line, Amy will express her disapproval by making little snorting noises - you know, the way pigs do.
“When someone is doing something wrong, teasing is a lighthearted way to bring their attention to it without making them feel bad,” says Larry.
Indeed, that’s one of the primary uses of teasing, behavior mavens say. But as a form of indirect communication, teasing performs other functions as well.
Teasers may be expressing anger - or affection. They may be puffing up wounded self-esteem. Or they may be doing nothing more than playing.
At one time or another, most of us have teased someone we were irritated with.
“Often in our society, anger is not allowed to be expressed,” explains Sandy Canfield, a licensed mental health counselor in Winter Park, Fla. “One way to express it indirectly, without being pinned down as being hostile, is to do it in a teasing way.”
Thus, the spouse, friend or colleague who relentlessly heckles you, then says, “I was just kidding!” or “Why can’t you take a joke?” may be quite ticked off at you.
If it’s a loved one doing the teasing, and the comments are really getting under your skin, it may be time to confront the emotions beneath the comments.
One way to do that is to invite the person to open up, Canfield says.
You might ask, “When you tease me about my hair, what are you trying to tell me?”
Or you might try a less open-ended approach.
“When we’re told something indirectly, we imagine what the real message is,” Canfield says.
Thus, you could say to the teaser, “I imagine you’re telling me (fill in the blank).” Then you can ask the teaser, “Is any of that true?”
Teasers may or may not be willing to acknowledge their emotions. Either way, you can let the person know how the teasing is affecting you by asking, “Would you be willing to listen to what the experience is like for me?”
By confronting the teaser, you’re giving the person a chance to express some anger directly instead of disguising it. Equally important, you’re describing how the badgering feels to you: It’s no laughing matter.
Teasing also can be a way of repairing a wounded ego.
Let’s say the youngest, smallest, most frail kid at the bus stop is the object of nasty taunts. Odds are, his ego is going to suffer.
Yet, if a new kid arrives at the bus stop who’s even younger, smaller and more frail, our previous victim won’t necessarily show empathy or compassion. He’s more likely to turn right around and join in the teasing of this newcomer.
“He’s going to build himself up with the very same behavior that cut him down,” Canfield says.
Not all teasing is negative, of course. In many cases, it’s a way to signify fondness or affection.
Prime examples are little boys who pester little girls as a way of being noticed, of saying, “Hey, I like you; how about noticing me?” The old pigtail-in-the-inkwell maneuver is a classic image of this kind of teasing.
For many adults uncomfortable with the schmaltzy aspects of intimacy, teasing is a great way to bypass their unease.
“Some people have loving or affectionate feelings for each other, but the intensity of that affection is difficult for them to manage,” Canfield explains. “They might make a loving statement then joke about it” to diminish the intensity of the moment.
Canfield points out that most behaviors have both negative and positive aspects. Teasers may be expressing irritation or dislike; or they may just be having fun.
So how is a teasee to know the difference?
“You’ll know there’s something wrong by a feeling in your gut,” Canfield assures us. “There will be a tug that will present a question in your mind, such as ‘What exactly was meant by that?’
“You just need to pay attention to the question.”
xxxx Try these techniques to cope with teasing Invite the teaser to talk about the message he or she is trying to convey. You might say, “You seem to tease me a lot about this. What is it you want me to know?” Or, “When you tease me, I imagine you’re trying to tell me indirectly that (fill in the blank). Is any of that true?” Give the teaser your perception of the behavior. Regardless if the teaser is willing to acknowledge the emotions behind the comments, you could ask, “Would you be willing to listen to what the experience is like for me?” This allows you to express your discomfort with the teaser’s remarks. Move the discussion outside your present relationship if the teaser is a partner or spouse. For instance, you might say, “This is why teasing is such a hurtful thing to me. When I was a kid, I was very over-weight and got teased a lot.” If you’re a chronic teaser who would like to change, ask yourself: “If I felt safe enough to say the truth, what would it be?” Orlando Sentinel